Starting school, last kiss and cactus baby

So... I finished my first week at school. Only a hell of a lot left now!!!! It was a lot less scary than I thought it would be. People are so nice and I'm sure a lot of people felt like I did, which was nervous as fucking hell. Luckily I already know the school so it also makes it less scary. I'm also lucky enough to have TWO!!! friends in the school too. Not in my class but still.

Being on my "happy pills" makes a huge difference too. I don't get the need to hide away in the bathroom at breaks, I can easily talk to people, I'm not shy to speak in class. I can even take the bus and train on my own. It has made such a huge difference in my life. I really think I can go through these 3 years without much trouble. I WILL graduate.

I have a hard time WANTING to make friends, but I'm accepting that because it doesn't mean I'm being mean to people or pushing them away, I'm just trying to settle. My main goal is just to finish these 3 years in school so I can move the hell out of here. Is that bad? Nah.

_______________________________________________

Sean went back last night. I don't feel well, at all. I cried a lot before he left, but after? Nothing. I feel the tears trying to come out, but it's like my head won't let me.

I fell asleep with a t-shirt he left here, and I even woke up hugging it tight. It's just not the same. I always feel like this after we've been together. I feel hopeless, lonely, needy and whiny. But honestly? I'm fucking allowed. I just had to kiss my boyfriend for the last time. I probably won't see him again until June next year.  Just the thought makes my heart go "FUCK".

But I'll be okay. I'll be fine. We'll be perfectly fine. It's just hard right now. 

                                    _______________________________________________

Since I'm feeling pretty shitty, I've decided to make buttons! And is it any surprise I want to do cacti? I think not. I don't have any rough sketches yet or anything, and I'm not really planning on selling anything but if people like it, I MIGHT sell some. I'm thinking cacti, feminist sayings, sexualities, save different animals, shit like that. I'm excited. I can't buy materials until next months but that's fine, I need to focus on school and ye.

 I think I've done enough rambling for now. So I'll go make some lunch for tomorrow and tidy my room to get my mind of things.

How's your day? Tell me about how great your summer was!

Meet the love of my life

World, this is Lui. Lui, this is world. Lui is a 4 month old (born on the 27th of March 2014) Cairn Terrier/Fox Terrier mix, but he's mostly Cairn Terrier. And sorry if you thought this was about you, Sean ;-)

Since mum made it clear that she would be okay with a dog in the house again, I've searched high and low for someone who could be my best friend. I looked daily on the various websites where people put up things and animals for sales, I was a member of 7 different groups on Facebook with animals seeking homes, but I didn't find any dog I liked, and when I did they were WAAAY over my price range or just too far away. I mean if it's on Sjælland that would easily be 400 kr in petrol and then 400-something kr to cross the fucking bridge (Yes, in Denmark you pay to go to another side of Denmark)

But Saturday afternoon I was looking and looking and there he was. Lui. Well, his other name was Olli but we felt like since he was getting a new family, we would give him a new name. And I prefer Lui, Lui is a great name!

I contacted the person who put him up on the site asking if he was still for sale, and in the matter of 2 hours I had set up to meet Lui the next day. It was insanely fast. Yesterday we went an hour away to go look at him, and needless to say it was love at first sight. So we took him home.

It was a bit stressful, for both dog and I. He was a bit overwhelmed, which is natural, I mean he just left what had been his home for a bit over a month. There's been a few peeing inside accidents but he's getting better at it. He's a very active and happy little boy, which is good for me too. It keeps me going, forces me to keep going.

He loves chasing leaves, butterflies and birds. He also loves eating random worms on the ground, going for walks, sniff EVERYTHING, stick his head through the fence, having his belly and ears rubbed, playing with his ball, nibble fingers and toes, kiss chins and sleep in the most inconvenient places (like door way and in front of all the shoes or my wardrobe doors)

I'm so happy. I'm knackered but I'm so happy. I went outside on my own (without being obligated too, I have to go to a meeting once a week, but it's forced) for the first time since Buster passed away and I enjoyed it. I feel much safer when my mum or brother leaves. I have a sense of purpose, I need to be good to take good care of Lui, and I will do about anything to make sure he's safe and happy.

So yeah, I have a little rascal now. I'm a mummy!!!

 

Time goes by so slowly

If you read that in the tune of Madonna's Hung Up, mental high five to you!

So, I've been a bad blogger. I said I would do updates every 10 days for when Sean and I will see each other again, but I didn't for loads of reasons. But not much have happened any way. Most annoying thing that happened though is that the flight time changed. He's not landing at 14:20 but at 16:20 now. And some people might think "But it's only two hours!", and well, to you person thinking that if any of you actually do:

 

I mean of course I'm over the moon that I'll see him, but I don't really sleep the night before, so it'll be a long day! And for the first time in a while, I'm nervous to see him. I'm excited too. But I'm nervous because we have had a very rough almost 8 months apart. But I'm sure it's just my typical worrying and when I see him, it's like we've never been apart.

But lately, it's like time hasn't passed at all. Since it was like a month left of waiting, days have been crawling by. I wake up early in the morning, despite maybe going to bed at 2, and days just won't pass. I just want him near, you know? I want his comforting hugs when my anxiety takes over, I want him to tell lame jokes so I can laugh and kiss the stupid smirk on his face off. We've been apart for around 220 days, I'm craving the person I love in every single way. 

11 days left. Sigh.

Being insecure and in a relationship

My Mad Fat Diary series 2 episode 2

My Mad Fat Diary is about 16 year old Rae who recently got out of the psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt. She battles with low self esteem and the scars years of self hatred and harming has left her. She returns home to start up a normal life again and starts hanging out with her old best friend Chloe and her gang. She becomes a part of the gang and feels like she has a place again. She falls in love with a guy in the gang, Finn. But when college starts, she starts to feel like she's not good enough for him. Which is what is inspiring this post.

A lot of people these days are insecure. They are self concious and have no faith in themselves what so ever. We're born into a world where you're not good enough if you're not a small size or you don't get straight As in school or you're not a social butterfly or talented in some way or the other. And this can effect your relationship.

I'm very insecure. SURPRISE!!! Joke aside. I'm far from a size small. I don't get straight As nor am I a social butterfly. But I have a guy who loves me. He's intelligent, he's funny and he is not the type of guy you expect loving a girl like me. But he does. Because you know what?

People love you for who you are. No one can tell anyone who to love. Just like Finn (the guy in the pictures above) is saying to his girlfriend Rae. You shouldn't feel like you don't deserve to be in love with someone or you don't deserve to be someone's friend because of their looks or intelligence or your differences in general.

Once Sean was here and we went to the next big town called Horsens because I had an appointment with my former therapist. We were walking towards my therapist's office - hand in hand as some couples do - when we passed some younger girls who laughed and said "Why on Earth is he with her? He could do better!", and I've gotten a good amount of comments thrown my way in my life time, but that hit me right in the guts. It hit me so hard. I thought to myself "They were right. Why is he with me? Why is he with this stupid mental sick walrus?"

I told Sean and he looked at me and said something like "It's their problem they can't get a boyfriend themselves. I love you. You know that, right?". I said I did, but it honestly hit me so hard.

Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about who you love and who loves you. You DESERVE to be happy and feel happy. It's THEM who has a problem. Most likely it's pathetic, desperate and lousy people who throws comments like that. It is NOT your fault.

And please talk to your partner or friend about it. Tell them that you feel out of place, like you don't deserve them, let them know, let it out of you. Because if you keep avoiding them because of your insecurities, they'll think they did something wrong and it can end very badly. Just talk to them, open up and they'll understand. If they really love you, they'll comfort you and reassure you that they still love you, because they love who you are and they make you as happy as they make you happy.

You're never not good enough for someone. And if the person you love makes you feel like you're not good enough, they don't deserve you in their life. But else it's none of anyone's business, besides you and them. Please remember that.

Fifty days

It's been a rough 10 days. Not just in my life but in our relationship. Especially when you're miles and miles apart, it's so much easier to misunderstand or not read something the way it's supposed to be read. And then the bomb explodes. Because I don't have the emotional peace to deal with misunderstandings. I don't have the energy to not be fully listened to or joked with. It's been rough as hell. But hey, that's what relationships go through. It's not new to us. And we work through it. Slowly, but surely.

On a more positive note, we were actually on cam last night. Something we never really do, last time was months ago and I think I was just crying. And when we normally do, I usually don't talk. I don't know why I do that, but I have some bad memories with being on cam and talking, and I'm always insecure about my English accent and shit. It took a while, but I began to just talk instead of typing. And the smile on Sean's face. He really missed hearing my voice, just as much as I missed his. 

It was nice, but it also made me miss him so much more. Which I didn't think was possible. 50 days to go. Please hurry up.

Oh Valentine's day

Warning: I haven't posted in 6 days because I've had an emotionally crappy week so this post isn't going to be sweet, positive or funny. Maybe funny, but else, don't read if you're going to get offended.

I find it beyond amusing how people can take this day seriously. And I'm not just saying that because I do have a significant other. It's because people seem to kick themselves in the butt for not being in a relationship, as if it's the only thing you can do with your life.

Sean didn't send me flowers or chocolate all the way from England (even though chocolate would be nice), and I honestly didn't care - and I didn't send anything either. I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm all for gazing into each others eyes and cooking him a nice breakfast on a rainy morning. But it puts me off that Valentine's day is mostly used as an excuse for lazy lovers to show they somewhat care.

I don't like the expectations people get for each other. Where's the surprise in it all? What's fun in being pressured to do something really thoughtful just because others do it? I would much rather save that for a bad day. On a shitty stormy Wednesday after a bad day at work, come home to a home cooked meal (OR PIZZA), candle light and a wonderful boyfriend who'll happily snuggle up with you on the floor while you watch horrible comedies on telly. You don't need a set date for it.

Send them flowers when you think they've had a rough time. Send a letter out of the blue. Give them chocolate or other treats they like when you think they could need a boost. These things will be things they'll remember more. Because you could feel they needed to.

Also, "them" isn't just a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. It's your best friend, you grandma, your mum, your dad, your dog or cat or any pet. Anyone close. Please remember to treat them other days too. They'll appreciate it so much more than on a set date. Unless it happens to be their birthday too, but you get what I mean.

Sixty days

So... If you haven't already guessed by the picture....

WE FINALLY BOOKED TICKETS!!!

We booked Sunday the 2nd I think it was. And it's super exciting. Even my mum is like "WE'RE GOING TO PICK UP THE LITTLE WONDER BOY SOON!!!", which is beyond cute. My mum loves that boy, almost more than I do ;-)

But else not much has been going on. Sean and I have already discussed birthday/anniversary presents. Have to be in advance when you're so far from each other, find out when to send off things so they arrive in time and such. I've started on his anniversary present, which we'll for once actually open ON the day! I wish I could say what it is, but I know he reads the blog, so will kind of ruin it all ;-)

Seventy Days

Every 10 days I will update on the process of getting Sean back here to Denmark to spend a few days with me. More for a personal "We can look back on this when we're 80" than anything else.

And the fact that there's still 70 days to go bothers me and seems like an eternity. When you've reached the point of having to "get used to" waiting 8 months to see someone you love because life gets in the way so much, you're pretty done with dealing with this shit. But I have to put on a brave face because everyone is like "But you'll see him soon!" and it should be legal to hit people like that with a sofa, right in the face preferably.

As you may be able to read, my mood is basically as dark as a Disney villain's. Yes I'm happy that I'll see him soon, but these past months have been shit. And it's because everything I'm trying to do is going wrong, and sometimes a relationship just has a rough patch and it needs working on. It needs to be polished back to what it used to be. And you have to be two people to be able to do that. And along with having shit go wrong, a relationship I wasn't sure I could be in and the thought of there being months before I could see him again, you start to doubt if it's ever worth it.

BUT IT IS! Because that's why I'm doing this. To document that relationships are more like relationshit at some points. And if you never fight or disagree, don't think it'll never happen, because it will. But it's so much harder when there's an ocean between us because it's things that can easily be fixed with a hug or an angry game of zombie shooting - where he'll have to let me win because he pissed me off in the first place. But when you're 500 miles apart, I can't get a hug. Or beat his arse in Zombies.

But back to what has been going on.

- Tickets haven't been booked yet. We're still waiting for his job interview answers (I'm doubting I'll ever shop at Coop again because it's been 2 weeks today and they said they would call him 2 weeks ago) to make sure he can get that time off, if he gets the job.

- We've been planning what we're doing for our anniversary, which is exciting. We spend our first anniversary together, and then haven't been able to for the 2nd and 3rd. But this year we will! We're most likely staying at home really. But we'll try and be good cooks and bakers! And play video games. Maybe go for a nice long walk. And of course, present giving. I have many ideas for presents.

- Did I mention I bought him socks so he doesn't have to worry about that? Waiting for those to arrive. As the weirdo I am. And they funnily enough came today! So they are being washed now. 

I think that's it really. I'm sorry for the amount of swear words in this. Okay, I'm not sorry, it's my blog, I kind of expect if you read this you're old enough to handle words like "shit".

It's a date

For the longest time Sean and I did not know exactly when we would see each other again. We have a tradition with spending Easter together, but we didn't have a rough date. But now we do.

8 April

And it is such a fucking relief to finally being able to have a date. It might change to the 9th, but it's a minor change. We have a date. We have a fucking date! You have no idea how much that calmed my little confused heart. Since he went back in August, things have been so rough between us. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced in a relationship, but we got through it and now we have a date for when we'll see each other and forget all the shit. We'll just be us and I'll have someone there to hold me when anxiety controls me and someone to laugh with and smile with.

The hardest thing about long distance relationships isn't the distance. Not for me. It's not exactly knowing when I'll be able to hug him again or kiss him. 

We haven't booked the flights yet, Sean had a job interview we're both dying to hear back from (FINGERS CROSSED THEY WANT HIM) and then I think we'll book. And then it's one step closer to becoming more real.

I'm sorry this post is boyfriend-boring, but I'm actually not that sorry. By April I haven't seen him for around 7½ months. I deserve to finally feel excited and have something to look forward to. I've already bought him some toothpaste, a toothbrush and some socks because he's bringing as little as possible. And I will be honest. buying stuff for him to use here made me pretty fucking excited. I can't wait to clear drawers and space in the wardrobe so it'll be his room too again.

I'm so excited, I'll stop here. I can't wait. I can't wait to kiss him again. I can't wait to feel a bit happy again.

A box of us.

Being away from someone you love is extremely harsh. In April Sean and I have been together for 4 years. Physically seen each other for 3. But I never get used to it. And to comfort myself, I have a box of us.

The box contains many kinds of memories we have together. Boarding passes, pictures, tickets from places we've been, small trinkets that reminds us of our relationship, jewellery he got me that I don't really wear but don't want to throw out or give away.

Whenever I'm really sad or just miss him beyond what's bearable, I open it and look through it. It comforts me. It's a piece of home. Sean even has one that he keeps in his room. When we move in together we'll find a bigger wooden box and paint it and combine all over memories from when we were apart.

And seeing as Valentines day is around the corner (not that it's a thing I care about) I thought I would share this little cute thing. Make a box for your partner, decorate it and fill it with things that reminds you of them. Draw things, write letters, buy their favourite sweets, maybe put in a t-shirt. And you can tell them to keep the box and use for memories during your relationship. Can of course also be for a friend! And you don't even have to live far apart, it can still be a cute little present. 

Other ideas for Valentines Day, birthday, anniversary that have a personal meaning (that doesn't only apply to long distance relationship couples):

• 52 reasons why I love you on a deck of cards
• 100 reasons why I love you in a note book you decorate yourself (I did this myself for Sean last year. I wrote them down in the book and afterwards posted on our long distance relationship blog) 
• If you're crafty, paint a picture, draw some drawing, sew a teddy, cross stitch something cute (made the cross stitch for Sean and I's 3 year anniversary)
• Frame pictures of you together or the paintings/drawings you made for them
• Buy a book they've been wanting to read for ages and put in little cute notes as a surprise when they read through it
• Mix CDs. If your parter is a music lover, put a bunch of songs that reminds you of them or you think they'll love and decorate the front of the CD. It's cute and personal!
• Speaking of discs, you could also make a video for them and put on a disc. Get an empty case for it and decorate and whenever they miss you, they can watch it!
• Bake some goodies. Sean loves cake and chocolate - sometimes more than he loves me ;-) - and I'm sure any one would appreciate some home baked treats. Sean and I made some brownie treats, they are super easy and taste so bloody good

I hope this post was somewhat useful! And Seanie, if you read this. I love you Bumbum, more than I love soft blankets, kittens and puppies ;-)

Sometimes home isn't a place, sometimes home is a person.

FINALLY, FINALLY IT CAME!

My small pieces from home. Aka Sean. I'm beyond happy. I miss him so much, he's such a sweet heart.

And to boost the depressing part: It's been exactly 2 months since he went back to England, and it'll be at least 6 months till I see him again.

Airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls.

 People always say you should know how to manage alone. That you're always best on your own and you shouldn't depend on people. But I don't think most realise that some people aren't meant to be alone. They aren't meant to be their best by themselves. I'm one of those. I admire people who can feel comfortable on their own, but I have never and never will be one of those people. Living with severe anxiety and mild paranoia, being alone can have a really bad effect. But I try and cope for the time being.

It hasn't been a perfect summer, but it's been perfectly imperfect because Seanie could be by my side. He didn't mind I wasn't feel well 80% of the time. "It's okay. As long as I'm with you" would he always reply whenever I would apologise from us not doing much. That is love. As long as I'm with you, it's okay. But I won't be for probably 8 months. But I have to try and manage. Because I won't give up.

I never realised how much love hurts. But at a point in my life, I also thought I wasn't good enough to be loved.

I'll stop blabbering now. I have every right to be heart broken, but I think my Tumblr suffers enough so I'll keep this pretty clean. Take care, my dears.

                                                    

Summer

Hold me, close.

“Calm down, deep breaths”

My body is shivering, but not because it’s cold

There’s a war in my head I can’t control

Sometimes they declare peace

But then they want to fight again.

“Can you hear me? Hush hush, it’ll be fine”

The screams are getting louder and louder

Everything is black, but no one turned out the lights

Every sound gets distant, but no one made me deaf

All senses get weaker, I know I’m losing myself.

“Come on, I know you’re there, you just need to breathe”

They don’t stop, they won’t stop

Screaming, yelling, a thousand voices trapped in my head

Telling me all sorts of bad things

I can’t feel my body, it’s like I’m not there

“Please, calm down”

I can hear my own moan, feel my tense muscles

Someone’s grabbing me, I can feel you

I grab onto you, help me, help me

I can’t force the words out of my mouth, help me

“I’m here, don’t worry, I’m here”

You let go, no, no, don’t let go

DON’T LET GO, DON’T LEAVE ME

There it is again, the warmth, I can feel it

Don’t let me go, please stay

“I’m here! I’m here! Okay, I’m here, I won’t leave!”

I wish they would stop screaming so I could hear you voice

Pull me out of the war zone, I beg you

Am I crying? I feel warmth streaming down my face

Are you crying too, are you as scared as me?

“It’ll be okay, I promise, it’ll be okay, I’m scared too”

I feel lips on my forehead, a hand on my cheek

My head is calming down, I hear your voice

Have you been here all the time?

I still can’t let go, I’m scared

“It’s okay, I won’t move, take your time”

You didn’t leave me, you didn’t let go

The voices were wrong

You stayed, you stayed with me

I love you, and you stayed

“Of course I stayed, I love you. Now rest, it’s been a harsh evening”

You tug my into your chest, I can hear your heart beat

You’re warm and comforting

I’m so tired, it’s like I’ve been fighting dragons and ninjas

Instead I’ve been fighting myself

“I hope you know I’ll never leave. You mean too much to me”

And then I drift into dream land, you tug me in tight

You’re my real life knight

And I’m your messed up princess

We’ll make it through together, in my twisted reality, as long as you hold me, close.