Starting school, last kiss and cactus baby

So... I finished my first week at school. Only a hell of a lot left now!!!! It was a lot less scary than I thought it would be. People are so nice and I'm sure a lot of people felt like I did, which was nervous as fucking hell. Luckily I already know the school so it also makes it less scary. I'm also lucky enough to have TWO!!! friends in the school too. Not in my class but still.

Being on my "happy pills" makes a huge difference too. I don't get the need to hide away in the bathroom at breaks, I can easily talk to people, I'm not shy to speak in class. I can even take the bus and train on my own. It has made such a huge difference in my life. I really think I can go through these 3 years without much trouble. I WILL graduate.

I have a hard time WANTING to make friends, but I'm accepting that because it doesn't mean I'm being mean to people or pushing them away, I'm just trying to settle. My main goal is just to finish these 3 years in school so I can move the hell out of here. Is that bad? Nah.

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Sean went back last night. I don't feel well, at all. I cried a lot before he left, but after? Nothing. I feel the tears trying to come out, but it's like my head won't let me.

I fell asleep with a t-shirt he left here, and I even woke up hugging it tight. It's just not the same. I always feel like this after we've been together. I feel hopeless, lonely, needy and whiny. But honestly? I'm fucking allowed. I just had to kiss my boyfriend for the last time. I probably won't see him again until June next year.  Just the thought makes my heart go "FUCK".

But I'll be okay. I'll be fine. We'll be perfectly fine. It's just hard right now. 

                                    _______________________________________________

Since I'm feeling pretty shitty, I've decided to make buttons! And is it any surprise I want to do cacti? I think not. I don't have any rough sketches yet or anything, and I'm not really planning on selling anything but if people like it, I MIGHT sell some. I'm thinking cacti, feminist sayings, sexualities, save different animals, shit like that. I'm excited. I can't buy materials until next months but that's fine, I need to focus on school and ye.

 I think I've done enough rambling for now. So I'll go make some lunch for tomorrow and tidy my room to get my mind of things.

How's your day? Tell me about how great your summer was!

Yes, I am alive!

Sean arrived in the start of July and time has flown by. We've been a bit busy too, so it's a good excuse. I have a bunch of blog posts planned but nothing finished. This weekend should be a bit more chill so I might stop procrastinating and do some blogging work.

More importantly, how's YOUR summer going?

When the honeymoon stage is over....

Artist // Philippa Rice

I know it's crazy, but that stage can actually leave our love filled minds. Suddenly everything goes from cake and sprinkles to day old bread and glitter you can't get out of your fucking hair. But fear not! It doesn't mean the relationship is over, it's a perfectly normal thing. And here's how not to make it into the worst time in your relationship-life!

1. Small things matters.

It can be anything from a post-it note saying "You're the best" to buying them their favourite chocolate bar when you're in the shop any way. It never has to be expensive jewellery, newest video games or a trip around Asia, a simple little thing can make a huge difference.

2. Remember "us time".

A thing a lot of couple can forget is to take time off to each others. And it's not just time to sit down and watch the same TV programme, it's actually spending quality time together. If it's going out to a museum, going bowling, to a resturant, even just a walk, it can do wonders to reconnect.

3. Pick flowers, not fights.

Having been with the same guy for 5 years, it's easy to get annoyed at the small things, and even easier to make it into a huge fight. But if you want to have a future with this person, you need to realise that fighting isn't going to solve anything. Calmly ask your love to put down the toilet seat, go out with the bin or whatever that needs to be done.

4. Give space.

I'm a person who needs space. If it's going for a walk alone, going to the movies with friends or just be left alone in my chair to read a bit, whatever it is, I need it else I will explode. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Accepting and being okay with your partner needing space is so important. Never feel like it's a way of being pushed away. Your partner loves you but for fucks sake if you don't give some space you might end up as dinner for the dogs at the kennel.

5. Talk about it, even if you feel silly about it.

A bit similar to 4, but if something is bothering you, tell them. As nice as it would be, your partner isn't a mind reader. Feel a bit insecure because your partner has some good looking friends? Talk about it. Sean and I do this time to time, I feel insecure about something and just need it out of my head because else it'll eat me up. And yes, it's silly, I know, but if you let it build up, it can get 10 times worse. 

Date day

Sean and I went on a little date in Horsens. We visited Horsens Kunstmuseum, ate lunch and did a bit of shopping. Adventures with someone you love is the best.

SURPRISE! I'm 21 now

The 18th of March I turned 21. But let's rewind to the day before, the 17th. I was peacefully (well, more like stressing) baking my arse off for my birthday, a few eggs landed on my clothes, flour everywhere, a needy dog demanding love while my muffins nearly burnt in the oven. I knew I was going to get a present that day because Sean had been bugging me with it for months now! I had no idea what he had planned, it could be anything to be honest.

So while I was making the final batch of cake, my mum comes home and tells me to go look in the hallway for my present. I'm a bit confused, why didn't she just bring it in? Is it so big she can't just put it on the table while I finish off my cakes? So I slowly walk to the hallway and my mum is grinning and there he fucking is. Sean fucking came to celebrate me on my fucking birthday.

He spend all the time he was here BULLYING me with the face I made when I saw him. I couldn't believe he was there, I touched his face all "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?". I think the bit he found the funniest was me touching his face all "Are you sure you're here???"

I was so happy to see him. I had tears building up in my eyes, this is the first time in 6 years he's been able to be with me on my birthday. And my history with good birthdays isn't that good. Last year I had a massive panic attack because people kept talking about how my old dog Buster would probably soon die. The year before also haunted by anxiety and what not. But this year was different.

On my actual birthday I had a bunch of friends coming over for breakfast. I was so happy that they without a doubt came to celebrate with me. It was so fun to have my family and Sean meet them. I even cried a tiny bit when everyone left because I felt so loved and cared for, having such good friends near me.

Later on the day the rest of my family came and we had cakes and ate the most amazing dinner together! Again, I was so overwhelmed with happiness because I had almost everyone I love with me on my birthday.

Tak til jer alle hvis I læser det her. Jeg må nok indrømme at det er jeres skyld at jeg havde den BEdSTE fødseldag ♡


                                                 

Summertime

My summer is basically over. The second Sean isn't here, summer flew away. It was a nice short summer though. We went to København, saw my brother graduate, did a lot of snuggling, had a bonfire night and made snobrød (basically just bread you cook on a stick over a bonfire) and then we went to a little zoo I've known of since I was a child. I never liked summers until I got to spend them with Sean. He's the only one who can make mosquito filled, sun burnt, hot nights and stinking of sweat sound like fun.

How's your summer?

Waiting

It's been 19 days since I was diagnosed and told that I should try medication. But I still haven't heard from them yet. Every morning I wake up, anxious, to the thought of getting a letter saying I have an appointment with a nurse who will handle the medication. But every day I'm disappointed. Maybe it's my fault, for putting up expectations. Especially knowing the Danish mental health care system. I was denied proper help for 6-7 years because "I wasn't sick enough" and now I'm looked down at because I'm doing really poorly.

Last week I was told I'm going to have weekly talks with a person I've never met. I don't know what about, I don't know who it is, but I know it'll be every Thursday afternoon. Again I'm waiting for a letter. And nothing has come yet.

A week and a half ago, my boyfriend Sean, was at an interview in Southern England for a replacement job. He got it. He only applied for it as a back up really, since the job isn't the most interesting or challenging. And to make it worse, he starts earlier than we expected, which risks our summer holiday and will make everything a lot more complicated. He got an interview for a job he would rather want, but he'll first get an answer in 2 weeks. So more waiting for answers.

I also waited 2 weeks for the new episode of Game of Thrones. I first on the day I normally watch it realised it wasn't aired because of memorial weekend. (And now I watched it and I'm angry and things are not alright, how dare you people, how dare you)

I hate not knowing. I hate it. I was told it's the aftermath of not having a lot of security or predicable things in my childhood. I think I'm just also one of those people. I get extremely uncomfortable if I don't know for sure. I get really upset, restless, moody, even more tired than normal.

Waiting is a part of life. I've learnt more about having patience and waiting since being with Sean because 90% of our relationship is waiting to see each other. I've also learnt from being in the mental health system since I was 13. But fuck it's a bitch most of the time.

Time goes by so slowly

If you read that in the tune of Madonna's Hung Up, mental high five to you!

So, I've been a bad blogger. I said I would do updates every 10 days for when Sean and I will see each other again, but I didn't for loads of reasons. But not much have happened any way. Most annoying thing that happened though is that the flight time changed. He's not landing at 14:20 but at 16:20 now. And some people might think "But it's only two hours!", and well, to you person thinking that if any of you actually do:

 

I mean of course I'm over the moon that I'll see him, but I don't really sleep the night before, so it'll be a long day! And for the first time in a while, I'm nervous to see him. I'm excited too. But I'm nervous because we have had a very rough almost 8 months apart. But I'm sure it's just my typical worrying and when I see him, it's like we've never been apart.

But lately, it's like time hasn't passed at all. Since it was like a month left of waiting, days have been crawling by. I wake up early in the morning, despite maybe going to bed at 2, and days just won't pass. I just want him near, you know? I want his comforting hugs when my anxiety takes over, I want him to tell lame jokes so I can laugh and kiss the stupid smirk on his face off. We've been apart for around 220 days, I'm craving the person I love in every single way. 

11 days left. Sigh.

Fifty days

It's been a rough 10 days. Not just in my life but in our relationship. Especially when you're miles and miles apart, it's so much easier to misunderstand or not read something the way it's supposed to be read. And then the bomb explodes. Because I don't have the emotional peace to deal with misunderstandings. I don't have the energy to not be fully listened to or joked with. It's been rough as hell. But hey, that's what relationships go through. It's not new to us. And we work through it. Slowly, but surely.

On a more positive note, we were actually on cam last night. Something we never really do, last time was months ago and I think I was just crying. And when we normally do, I usually don't talk. I don't know why I do that, but I have some bad memories with being on cam and talking, and I'm always insecure about my English accent and shit. It took a while, but I began to just talk instead of typing. And the smile on Sean's face. He really missed hearing my voice, just as much as I missed his. 

It was nice, but it also made me miss him so much more. Which I didn't think was possible. 50 days to go. Please hurry up.

Oh Valentine's day

Warning: I haven't posted in 6 days because I've had an emotionally crappy week so this post isn't going to be sweet, positive or funny. Maybe funny, but else, don't read if you're going to get offended.

I find it beyond amusing how people can take this day seriously. And I'm not just saying that because I do have a significant other. It's because people seem to kick themselves in the butt for not being in a relationship, as if it's the only thing you can do with your life.

Sean didn't send me flowers or chocolate all the way from England (even though chocolate would be nice), and I honestly didn't care - and I didn't send anything either. I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm all for gazing into each others eyes and cooking him a nice breakfast on a rainy morning. But it puts me off that Valentine's day is mostly used as an excuse for lazy lovers to show they somewhat care.

I don't like the expectations people get for each other. Where's the surprise in it all? What's fun in being pressured to do something really thoughtful just because others do it? I would much rather save that for a bad day. On a shitty stormy Wednesday after a bad day at work, come home to a home cooked meal (OR PIZZA), candle light and a wonderful boyfriend who'll happily snuggle up with you on the floor while you watch horrible comedies on telly. You don't need a set date for it.

Send them flowers when you think they've had a rough time. Send a letter out of the blue. Give them chocolate or other treats they like when you think they could need a boost. These things will be things they'll remember more. Because you could feel they needed to.

Also, "them" isn't just a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. It's your best friend, you grandma, your mum, your dad, your dog or cat or any pet. Anyone close. Please remember to treat them other days too. They'll appreciate it so much more than on a set date. Unless it happens to be their birthday too, but you get what I mean.

Sixty days

So... If you haven't already guessed by the picture....

WE FINALLY BOOKED TICKETS!!!

We booked Sunday the 2nd I think it was. And it's super exciting. Even my mum is like "WE'RE GOING TO PICK UP THE LITTLE WONDER BOY SOON!!!", which is beyond cute. My mum loves that boy, almost more than I do ;-)

But else not much has been going on. Sean and I have already discussed birthday/anniversary presents. Have to be in advance when you're so far from each other, find out when to send off things so they arrive in time and such. I've started on his anniversary present, which we'll for once actually open ON the day! I wish I could say what it is, but I know he reads the blog, so will kind of ruin it all ;-)

Seventy Days

Every 10 days I will update on the process of getting Sean back here to Denmark to spend a few days with me. More for a personal "We can look back on this when we're 80" than anything else.

And the fact that there's still 70 days to go bothers me and seems like an eternity. When you've reached the point of having to "get used to" waiting 8 months to see someone you love because life gets in the way so much, you're pretty done with dealing with this shit. But I have to put on a brave face because everyone is like "But you'll see him soon!" and it should be legal to hit people like that with a sofa, right in the face preferably.

As you may be able to read, my mood is basically as dark as a Disney villain's. Yes I'm happy that I'll see him soon, but these past months have been shit. And it's because everything I'm trying to do is going wrong, and sometimes a relationship just has a rough patch and it needs working on. It needs to be polished back to what it used to be. And you have to be two people to be able to do that. And along with having shit go wrong, a relationship I wasn't sure I could be in and the thought of there being months before I could see him again, you start to doubt if it's ever worth it.

BUT IT IS! Because that's why I'm doing this. To document that relationships are more like relationshit at some points. And if you never fight or disagree, don't think it'll never happen, because it will. But it's so much harder when there's an ocean between us because it's things that can easily be fixed with a hug or an angry game of zombie shooting - where he'll have to let me win because he pissed me off in the first place. But when you're 500 miles apart, I can't get a hug. Or beat his arse in Zombies.

But back to what has been going on.

- Tickets haven't been booked yet. We're still waiting for his job interview answers (I'm doubting I'll ever shop at Coop again because it's been 2 weeks today and they said they would call him 2 weeks ago) to make sure he can get that time off, if he gets the job.

- We've been planning what we're doing for our anniversary, which is exciting. We spend our first anniversary together, and then haven't been able to for the 2nd and 3rd. But this year we will! We're most likely staying at home really. But we'll try and be good cooks and bakers! And play video games. Maybe go for a nice long walk. And of course, present giving. I have many ideas for presents.

- Did I mention I bought him socks so he doesn't have to worry about that? Waiting for those to arrive. As the weirdo I am. And they funnily enough came today! So they are being washed now. 

I think that's it really. I'm sorry for the amount of swear words in this. Okay, I'm not sorry, it's my blog, I kind of expect if you read this you're old enough to handle words like "shit".

It's a date

For the longest time Sean and I did not know exactly when we would see each other again. We have a tradition with spending Easter together, but we didn't have a rough date. But now we do.

8 April

And it is such a fucking relief to finally being able to have a date. It might change to the 9th, but it's a minor change. We have a date. We have a fucking date! You have no idea how much that calmed my little confused heart. Since he went back in August, things have been so rough between us. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced in a relationship, but we got through it and now we have a date for when we'll see each other and forget all the shit. We'll just be us and I'll have someone there to hold me when anxiety controls me and someone to laugh with and smile with.

The hardest thing about long distance relationships isn't the distance. Not for me. It's not exactly knowing when I'll be able to hug him again or kiss him. 

We haven't booked the flights yet, Sean had a job interview we're both dying to hear back from (FINGERS CROSSED THEY WANT HIM) and then I think we'll book. And then it's one step closer to becoming more real.

I'm sorry this post is boyfriend-boring, but I'm actually not that sorry. By April I haven't seen him for around 7½ months. I deserve to finally feel excited and have something to look forward to. I've already bought him some toothpaste, a toothbrush and some socks because he's bringing as little as possible. And I will be honest. buying stuff for him to use here made me pretty fucking excited. I can't wait to clear drawers and space in the wardrobe so it'll be his room too again.

I'm so excited, I'll stop here. I can't wait. I can't wait to kiss him again. I can't wait to feel a bit happy again.

A box of us.

Being away from someone you love is extremely harsh. In April Sean and I have been together for 4 years. Physically seen each other for 3. But I never get used to it. And to comfort myself, I have a box of us.

The box contains many kinds of memories we have together. Boarding passes, pictures, tickets from places we've been, small trinkets that reminds us of our relationship, jewellery he got me that I don't really wear but don't want to throw out or give away.

Whenever I'm really sad or just miss him beyond what's bearable, I open it and look through it. It comforts me. It's a piece of home. Sean even has one that he keeps in his room. When we move in together we'll find a bigger wooden box and paint it and combine all over memories from when we were apart.

And seeing as Valentines day is around the corner (not that it's a thing I care about) I thought I would share this little cute thing. Make a box for your partner, decorate it and fill it with things that reminds you of them. Draw things, write letters, buy their favourite sweets, maybe put in a t-shirt. And you can tell them to keep the box and use for memories during your relationship. Can of course also be for a friend! And you don't even have to live far apart, it can still be a cute little present. 

Other ideas for Valentines Day, birthday, anniversary that have a personal meaning (that doesn't only apply to long distance relationship couples):

• 52 reasons why I love you on a deck of cards
• 100 reasons why I love you in a note book you decorate yourself (I did this myself for Sean last year. I wrote them down in the book and afterwards posted on our long distance relationship blog) 
• If you're crafty, paint a picture, draw some drawing, sew a teddy, cross stitch something cute (made the cross stitch for Sean and I's 3 year anniversary)
• Frame pictures of you together or the paintings/drawings you made for them
• Buy a book they've been wanting to read for ages and put in little cute notes as a surprise when they read through it
• Mix CDs. If your parter is a music lover, put a bunch of songs that reminds you of them or you think they'll love and decorate the front of the CD. It's cute and personal!
• Speaking of discs, you could also make a video for them and put on a disc. Get an empty case for it and decorate and whenever they miss you, they can watch it!
• Bake some goodies. Sean loves cake and chocolate - sometimes more than he loves me ;-) - and I'm sure any one would appreciate some home baked treats. Sean and I made some brownie treats, they are super easy and taste so bloody good

I hope this post was somewhat useful! And Seanie, if you read this. I love you Bumbum, more than I love soft blankets, kittens and puppies ;-)