København

All pictures taken by Sean and I

The little things

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Buying flowers for yourself. Making your favourite meal. Nice fruits on offer. Getting a package you've been waiting for in the mail. Someone buying you a small gift because they thought of you. Taking your bra off after a long day. That feeling of freshness after you brushed your teeth. A kiss from a cute dog. Clothes fresh from the dryer. Finally organising that folder you've been meaning to for ages. Finding the missing sock. Watching the clock go 11:11:11. Having just the right amount of money on hand for your groceries. The smell of old books. Fitting perfectly on your love's chest. Remembering someone's special day without the use of calenders on phones. Getting offered the last piece of cake. Feeling the cold rain on your feet. Fresh and clean sheets on your bed. Thinking of someone and then getting a message from them short after. The sound of opening a bar of chocolate. Kittens wanting to play with your hair. Finishing a good book. Looking through old photo albums. Re-watching shows you loved as a child. Strangers smiling at you. Kind bus drivers. Writing with your favourite pen. Hot beverages on a cold day. Someone asking how you are and being generally interested. Picking up the last of an item you wanted in a shop. The pretty evening sky. Being offered a seat on the train. Being on time for appointments. Giving your room a good tidy. Finally throwing out/donating the things you really don't need. Newly done nails. Putting on new PJs. Finding something you lost a while ago. The smell of freshly cut grass. Catching up with friends. Sleeping in. Stealing the duvet from your love. Being right about something. Sneezing after it being stuck for a bit.

Waiting

It's been 19 days since I was diagnosed and told that I should try medication. But I still haven't heard from them yet. Every morning I wake up, anxious, to the thought of getting a letter saying I have an appointment with a nurse who will handle the medication. But every day I'm disappointed. Maybe it's my fault, for putting up expectations. Especially knowing the Danish mental health care system. I was denied proper help for 6-7 years because "I wasn't sick enough" and now I'm looked down at because I'm doing really poorly.

Last week I was told I'm going to have weekly talks with a person I've never met. I don't know what about, I don't know who it is, but I know it'll be every Thursday afternoon. Again I'm waiting for a letter. And nothing has come yet.

A week and a half ago, my boyfriend Sean, was at an interview in Southern England for a replacement job. He got it. He only applied for it as a back up really, since the job isn't the most interesting or challenging. And to make it worse, he starts earlier than we expected, which risks our summer holiday and will make everything a lot more complicated. He got an interview for a job he would rather want, but he'll first get an answer in 2 weeks. So more waiting for answers.

I also waited 2 weeks for the new episode of Game of Thrones. I first on the day I normally watch it realised it wasn't aired because of memorial weekend. (And now I watched it and I'm angry and things are not alright, how dare you people, how dare you)

I hate not knowing. I hate it. I was told it's the aftermath of not having a lot of security or predicable things in my childhood. I think I'm just also one of those people. I get extremely uncomfortable if I don't know for sure. I get really upset, restless, moody, even more tired than normal.

Waiting is a part of life. I've learnt more about having patience and waiting since being with Sean because 90% of our relationship is waiting to see each other. I've also learnt from being in the mental health system since I was 13. But fuck it's a bitch most of the time.