2015 in review // What I hope 2016 will bring

This year has been one of the best fucking years I've had. I mean it hasn't been 100% positive, but what's happiness without a few bumps on the way? But here's some of the things that's happened this year:

• I've met new people who have become close friends of mine (Marina, Ramsey, Dany, Samantha, Nikita, Louise, all of you lovelings <3)
• I've made stronger bonds with people 
• I've gained more confidence 
• I started school after 3 years of sickness
• I'm getting good grades and teachers are very happy to have me 
• I've been reading a lot more books 
• I got turned down by something that could change my life 
• My room got a make over 
• I've taken public transport on my own 
• I've been in The Rainbow at aRos - ANd WALKEd AROUNd WITHOUT dYING
• I've found a thirst for adventures and exploring myself and the world around me 
• I had my heart broken by a friend 
• I got my first tattoo 
• I spent my birthday with a lot of people I love 
• I've only had two panic attacks since October 2014 (!!!!!!!!!)
• I've "cleaned out" people from my life who only brought negativity
• I went on holiday and didn't have to have a "break" day
• I've given many new plants a forever home
• August 2015 marks one year of having Lui 
• I've fully come out as bisexual
• My levels of fucks given about most things have dropped so much

And so many other things has happened during this year!!! It's been a really good year. I haven't been this happy for as long as I remember. I've moved so much personally and mentally, I feel like a new person. My mental illness doesn't control my life any more, it's still a part of my life, but I'm in control. Just ugh, I could cry with how happy I am!!!

//////

2016 is promising. I've stopped believing in New Years resolutions because I can never fulfill them, but here's some things I hope will happen/I hope I will make happen, in the new year!

• Get another tattoo
• Experiment with my hair
• Travel a bit
• Complete my first year in school and pass all my exams (bonus: hopefully will good grades)
• Become more body positive
• Continue to do my best to support my friends and be better at reminding them that I love them and their qualities
• Get better at eating healthier and plan lunches and meals better
• Appreciate everyone around me, remind them of my appreciation for them and what they do for me
• Sing more
• Read more
• Create more
• Get more plants c:
• Have fun and be happy

What's your hopes for the new year? Stay safe, drink responsibly, have safe sex and kiss some gorgeous people! Oh, and eat loads of food <3

Why having "adulter" friends is absolutely necessary

I'm an adult, I'm 21, I've been legally an adult for a few years now, but having people who are a lot older than you as friends is really necessary to grow into an even better adult.

I have two friends who are twice my ages. My (friend and) mentor Lene, who used to be an education counsellor at my school, and my friend Klaus who used to run the group project I was a part of from last year to June this year.

Lene has followed me since I was a teenage, and has been my rock through difficult times. She's helped me so much and helped me grow into a stronger and happier person. She's like an extra (younger) grandmother, her and her husband frequently invite me over for tea and have a nice long chat. She's such an open and understanding person. I love her to death, I wouldn't know what to do without her.

Klaus is a bit younger than my mum. During the group project we developed a tight bond, I see him as an older brother I can joke with and seek advice from. We tease each other (well mostly I tease him) and joke around, but I know I can call him if anything's up at any time of the day. If I'm stuck in the middle of the night, he'll not hesitate to come get me. And I take care of him too. He's a bit of a stressy person, billion things on his mind, becomes easily restless and forgets things. So I'll have to step in, remind him to breathe and maybe eat a little bit. Again, I love him to death and someone I wouldn't want to be without.

The reason people like this are so important in this phase of your life, is because they've been through it. Surely through a different time, but the problems are alike. Confusion with what to do with your life, am I progressing at the right speed, am I behind in life? Reassurance and help from people who's been through it and give their take on what to do and what not to do, but being open about it.

And they don't judge you in the same way a family member would. I can tell them everything like I would with a friend my own age, but you get a different view on it. It's so refreshing, because it's sometimes not very helpful talking to people with the same problems. I have a few friends who are also uncertain about what to study in uni, if that's even what they want.

So, if you don't have an adulter friend, I hope you find one. They're gold.

My first tattoo

One of my goals this year was to get my first tattoo. I've always been fascinated and interested in this kind of art, and I've always known I wanted quite a few. I'm not a believer in every tattoo has a special meaning, a back story. It can just be the design someone fell in love with, doesn't need more than that. But mine has a bit of a history.

It was hard picking what I wanted. I didn't want something massive for my first one, in case I can't stand the pain, in case I regret the design, stuff like that. I originally thought of getting a moon phases design my brother helped me design, but again, too big for my first time!

So I ended up with a Moomin troll. I was a bit insecure in my pick at first. Was it too childish? Too simple? Too unusual?! But I fell in love with my decision.

Moomins represent all the things I stand for myself. Love, care, adventure, curiosity, friendship, family. It was also important to me that he's reading a book, because books are such a massive part of my life. He's also soft looking, no harsh lines. I'm a very soft person, I have a massive heart, so his softness and cuteness plays a massive part.

I chose to put him on my arm, not because I want to cover my scars, but because I want to decorate them. I have so many scars that it would be impossible to cover them all, and I'm not ashamed or sad about them any more. They make me, me. And my little buddy makes me even happier about myself!

I'm already planning my next tattoos. Can't be soon enough!!!!

I was born with antennas...

..... on top of my head. No one noticed, because only I can see them. As a young child, I never realised they were there. I was a bit sensitive, sure, but it never stopped me from making friends and going on adventures.

I grew older, my antennas grew with me. I felt things I didn't understand, I didn't know how to handle. I could suddenly feel angry, sad or extremely energetic. This was uncommon for me, I was very aware of my own feelings, of myself in general. But I never asked questions. I accepted it and went on with my days.

I would start feeling tense sometimes. Around certain people, I felt like I had to be on the tippiest of my toes. I felt overly aware of what was going on around me, even though I never understood. I knew my father's anger, I knew my mother's sadness. I felt them as my own.

I was a pre-teen when I realised what was going on. My grandfather had just died and that's what I saw how strange my antennas were. I realised I took on everyone else's feelings. My mother's frustration turned into my frustration, my grandmother's grief became mine too. I could sense everything.

The older I got, the worse it got. Now it wasn't just family or friends, but that person next to me on the train, I could sense something was up with them. I wasn't dealing with my grandfather's death very well, so having to feel everyone else's feelings on top of mine was sometimes too much.

I used to cut myself and drink alcohol to make it go away. Not the proper way of dealing with feelings, but I was confused and desperate. It dulled my own pain and the not so my own pain.

But my antennas aren't all bad. They taught me important things too. My sense of situation is amazing, I know when to keep in the background and when to ask questions. I know how to handle people in whatever mood they are, if I need to be direct or build up the conversation slowly. I take extra care of people and understand them better.

Sometimes it's still overwhelming. But sometimes it's nice enough, I like this little "secret" of mine.

To take, or not to take? My daily battle with pills

Picture from (x)

I take a few different pills a day. I take vitamins, birth control, allergy pills (only when I have mosquito bites though) and then my enemy. My anti depressant. Or mood pill as I like to call it. It has done absolute wonders for me, but every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle between my logical mind and my "But-I-don't-want-to-be-different" mind. Which is somewhat stupid.

Why is it stupid? Well, because they have done wonders for me. I have never in my life had such a stable mood until I started, ever. My panic attacks quickly reduced from multiple a day to maybe 2 in the past 6 months. They have done nothing but help me. Yet still I go through times where I feel like I'm a horrible person for taking them.

I feel dependant. I feel strapped down. I feel like a bad person for needing these pills to feel stable. And I know deep down that it is okay, that they're helping me, that it's not permanent. But I keep blaming myself and putting myself down for having reached a point where I cannot go a day without them. I've tried, and it never ended up pretty.

Without them I'm an anxious mess. My mood goes down, my mind dives into a deep black hole. So there's only more reasons to take them. But the little demon in my head keeps trying to make me not take them. And sometimes, my demon wins.

But those victories aren't victories at all. Because I know I won't make any progress. I'm taking a step back, and it needs to stop.

Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing medication to get through the days. There is nothing wrong with needing medication to function. Absolutely nothing. Bodies are different, minds are different. I need to tell myself this more often. It is absolutely fucking fine. It helps me. It doesn't want to destroy me. It helps me. I deserve this help, I deserve to feel good.


                                                     

I am not the labels that are put on me

CREDIT

Please note this is a very personal post, I'm opening up because I think it's important to be open about this kind of thing and I know that it's not only me who sometimes believe I'm the labels people put on me. And I am not sharing my diagnosis and treatment to seek pity. 

Tuesday 13-05-2014, 22:02

Tomorrow (Wednesday the 14th) is going to be a bit of a nerve wrecking day for me. I'm getting a possible diagnosis. For the past 2 weeks I've done intense sessions with a therapist at a psychiatric ward with the goal to get a possible diagnosis and treatment. She did hint heavily that she sees major depressive and anxious traits, with minor borderline and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I believe there was something else too but I honestly don't remember. It's scary. I see why she can see that in me but it's been really hard thinking of having put more labels on me. I know I am not the labels. I know they don't define the entirety called "Malle", my whole person. But for years I've been labelled as fat, disgusting, unintelligent, not good enough, a waste of life. And I believed them, I still believe them some days. But it's also comforting to have something that explains my thought process, my behaviour.

But I also think I shouldn't be so scared. I think it's an irrational fear. I am not fat. I have fat. A lot of it. I'm not unintelligent, I mean I did pretty well in school and I'm a very opinionated person and educated on certain things, I taught myself the basics of a language when I was younger because I liked the sound of it. I am good enough because hey, I'm not a total bad person. But these labels we get stuck on based on ignorant and most often short impression of us, can linger for way too long.

I just need to believe it'll be fine no matter what. I don't feel okay, and it's okay. It won't be perfect in a month or two, but I think I realised that a while ago. I am not the labels you put on me. I am not defined by them only. I am a universe, a complex and rather odd little universe. But we all are.

Wednesday 14-05-2014, 12:57

It was so much irrational fear. I came back maybe 40 minutes ago. It's a lot to chew on. Especially because I didn't sleep well last night, my entire body is in shut down mode. But I got a diagnosis and I got a treatment plan. I have a personality disorder which triggered other things. Anxiety - basically a bunch of types of anxieties to make it more lovely and complicated - and chronic depression. I'm going to probably get medication for the anxiety. I'm saying probably because I need to have my blood pressure measured and blood tests done so they can be sure it won't harm me to take whatever pills they'll give me. And I'll have individual sessions until they feel I'm ready for group sessions.

I'm scared. I'm actually terrified. But I know it's my anxiety that's freaked out because I don't like changes. And it's idiotic to be stupid of changes, because sometimes they're actually for the good. But it's how my brain works. But I will fight my fears. I deserve to feel better than I do right now.

It's a lot to take in. But I need to remember, I am not my diagnosis. I am not anxiety, chronic depression or a personality disorder. They are parts of me, but they do not define me. I am many other things too. Things I don't know about yet, haven't learnt about myself yet. And bits I want to improve, work on or even change completely. Things I'm proud of and are positive. I am many things. But I decide which of the things are true. Because it is about me. Malle.

How to help someone during a panic attack

This is for the people who has people near and dear to them that can suffer from panic/anxiety attacks.

What is a panic/anxiety attack? 

A panic/anxiety attack is an often sudden and overwhelming strike of fear. It can be triggered by many different things, depending on the person. It can be shown through rapid breathing, nausea, urge to faint and/or try and escape the situation, ticks, nervously fiddling with hands and a number of other things. But rapid breathing and the urge to faint or escape the situation are most common. If you want to read a more detailed article about panic attacks, Wikipedia  is a great site to check out.

How can I help?

Disclaimer: This might not work for everybody, I am just speaking out of personal experience and what I've heard from other people also suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

- Try and take them to somewhere private. It can prevent the person from feeling humiliated afterwards if a lot of other people were present and it gives the person some space during and after the panic attack.
- If they have run away to escape the situation, try and follow them and ask if it's okay you stay with them.
- Make sure they sit down. In case they suddenly feel very sick or something, they'll be a bit more safe sitting down.
- If it's a person you have close, physical touch can be good. Hold their hand, hold around them, something. But only if you know they're okay with it. If you're unsure, try and ask. If they don't respond, simply don't touch them because it could make it worse.
- If they hyper ventilate, help them get back to a normal breathing rhythm. Breathe with them, slowly inhale and exhale, over exaggerate it so they can hear it clearly. If it doesn't help, tell them to slowly inhale and exhale. It's important to help them calm down, because hyperventilation could cause fainting.
- Reassure them that you're there. Keep telling them it's okay to be upset, it's okay, there's nothing wrong with panicking, you're there, you're not leaving, you'll stay until it's all over. If you can, look them in the eyes and keep reassuring them.
- When the person has calmed down enough, please don't go around and tell everyone. If the person wanted people to know what happened, they will say it themselves.

My experience with panic attacks.

I've probably been dealing with anxiety since I was about 14 years old, so it's been a part of my life for a while now. I remember my first panic attack. I had a bad day in school and I was trying to sleep and then my head got filled with bad thoughts and my breathing became funny and everything went black. It was a very scary thing to go through, but I never told any one because I didn't know what it was. I had milder attacks over the next 3 years, but as I started year 10 in school they got very bad and more frequent. I never had attacks around people, I always managed to run away before it happened.

Sean was one of the first people to see me panic. It was scary for both of us, I was humiliated and terrified, and he simply didn't know what to do. Only one other person has seen me have a direct panic attack. It was a friend from my højskole, I had a solo in a singing class and I suddenly just snapped and needed to escape.  Again, I was humiliated because there I was, already scared to be in a new place, on my own for the first time in a long time and trying to make friends.

Physical touch helps me a lot. If it's holding my hand or a hug. Sean has learnt to tell the signs of when I can panic and then what to do. I get ticks when I'm really anxious. I like.. Jerk my head to the side, I scratch my arms or thighs and sometimes look up at the ceiling or generally look away from people. Then Sean takes my hand very softly and calmly asks me to get onto the bed if I'm standing up or at my desk, simply because I can shake violently and potentially hurt myself. Then he hugs me and breathes with me and talks to me. When I calm down I like to listen to his heart and he will still reassure me he's there and I just need to breathe.

I still struggle with them a lot. I get them frequently and they get very painful physically and mentally. During the past half year I sometimes have multiple a day.

Panic attacks and relationships.

Please for the love of everything, let your partner know about these attacks if you suffer from them. Sean knew about them, but I never really talked about it because I was embarrassed and it got really weird and uncomfortable in the start. If you don't know what works for you when you panic, try and build a routine with your partner, but if you do know what works, tell them. If you need to be alone, let them know. If you need to be held close, let them know. It's very important they know about it.

I think that's what I had to say about all this. I hope this could be somewhat useful to someone out there.

Being insecure and in a relationship

My Mad Fat Diary series 2 episode 2

My Mad Fat Diary is about 16 year old Rae who recently got out of the psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt. She battles with low self esteem and the scars years of self hatred and harming has left her. She returns home to start up a normal life again and starts hanging out with her old best friend Chloe and her gang. She becomes a part of the gang and feels like she has a place again. She falls in love with a guy in the gang, Finn. But when college starts, she starts to feel like she's not good enough for him. Which is what is inspiring this post.

A lot of people these days are insecure. They are self concious and have no faith in themselves what so ever. We're born into a world where you're not good enough if you're not a small size or you don't get straight As in school or you're not a social butterfly or talented in some way or the other. And this can effect your relationship.

I'm very insecure. SURPRISE!!! Joke aside. I'm far from a size small. I don't get straight As nor am I a social butterfly. But I have a guy who loves me. He's intelligent, he's funny and he is not the type of guy you expect loving a girl like me. But he does. Because you know what?

People love you for who you are. No one can tell anyone who to love. Just like Finn (the guy in the pictures above) is saying to his girlfriend Rae. You shouldn't feel like you don't deserve to be in love with someone or you don't deserve to be someone's friend because of their looks or intelligence or your differences in general.

Once Sean was here and we went to the next big town called Horsens because I had an appointment with my former therapist. We were walking towards my therapist's office - hand in hand as some couples do - when we passed some younger girls who laughed and said "Why on Earth is he with her? He could do better!", and I've gotten a good amount of comments thrown my way in my life time, but that hit me right in the guts. It hit me so hard. I thought to myself "They were right. Why is he with me? Why is he with this stupid mental sick walrus?"

I told Sean and he looked at me and said something like "It's their problem they can't get a boyfriend themselves. I love you. You know that, right?". I said I did, but it honestly hit me so hard.

Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about who you love and who loves you. You DESERVE to be happy and feel happy. It's THEM who has a problem. Most likely it's pathetic, desperate and lousy people who throws comments like that. It is NOT your fault.

And please talk to your partner or friend about it. Tell them that you feel out of place, like you don't deserve them, let them know, let it out of you. Because if you keep avoiding them because of your insecurities, they'll think they did something wrong and it can end very badly. Just talk to them, open up and they'll understand. If they really love you, they'll comfort you and reassure you that they still love you, because they love who you are and they make you as happy as they make you happy.

You're never not good enough for someone. And if the person you love makes you feel like you're not good enough, they don't deserve you in their life. But else it's none of anyone's business, besides you and them. Please remember that.

Me, myself and anxiety

I remember being 6 and very afraid of what people would think of me. I think we all have thought this to ourselves. "Will they like me?", "Am I good enough?", "I hope I don't say something stupid to offend them". But the fear was overwhelming. I quickly realised if I was a person people liked, I wouldn't have to worry. Even if this person wasn't the real me, it would at least hold back the huge fear. Because it was constantly there, it never really went away.

It only got worse over the years. I was scared to trust people, to talk to people. Even the people I had known for years became strange and scary. Which compared to me as a young child, a very bubbly and social butterfly, was even more scary because I could look back and see that I once was at a point where people was a good thing.

But now it's one of my biggest fears. Even family birthdays take so much of my energy. I rehearse in my head 7 days before what can happen, what I should say if I'm asked different things, what I will do if I'm not in the best mood, how much or little I should smile, how I can escape if it gets too much, how I can hide the fact that people talking to me and the loud noises scare the living crap out of me even though I've known these people since I was born.

And it's hard to express that fear. Because nothing describes it well enough. It's like drowning and seeing the surface but not being able to reach it. It's like falling into a deep hole and never seeing the end. It's like screaming but without anyone hearing it. It's like being trapped but you have the key to get out, you just don't know how to use it.

I cannot do a lot of things. I cannot go pick up a pint of milk on my own, I can't walk my dog in different areas, I cannot pick up the phone or sometimes even write an email. Some days if people talk to me on Facebook I get so overwhelmed I just log off. Because I didn't plan it, I didn't see it coming. It was too unexpected. And it's horrible, because it's often people I'm dying to ask how are. But I push myself away because I don't want to burden them.

It's always been a matter of bothering people. Being in the way. I'm constantly aware of everything around me because I don't want to be in the way. And it's so draining. It's so fucking tiring because in reality, no one could give a shit about where I stand, they can just ask me to move if it did bother them. But I'm trying to think ahead. Just like I'm counting my cash 10 times before even standing in the queue and then counting further 10 times in case I got it wrong before. Adding it all up in my very messy head and being wrong would ruin my entire day.

And I'm constantly tired. Some days it even physically hurts. Because being so aware of everything, NEEDING to be aware of everything, is very demanding. I need to know things a couple of days in advance, because else I get panic attacks because I don't feel prepared. I get stressed easily, I cry a lot and my eyes are always red and my under eyes more blue than the sky. My arms get achy from the nervous picking I tend to do because it's the only thing that calms me down, picking and scratching my arm when it's all too much.

Some days are okay. Some days I just wake up feeling tired. A little confused too, but mostly tired. I don't even bother getting dressed, I just lay in my bed and stare. Embrace the peace in my head. But then I remember the dishwasher needs emptying, there's clothes in the washing room that's not folded - and it's not even mine - and my desk looks dirty and the frames look a bit too tilted to the left and what if someone calls me, should I answer it or should I do as I always do, turn it off and hide it because it's always a number I don't know and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I'm always uncomfortable. It's what anxiety does.

- I wrote this because lately it's hasn't been easy to control things. I don't like losing control and I don't like not being the one making decisions about my life. And it makes me sleep very poorly which triggers anxiety even more. I'm not writing things to make you feel bad for me. I don't care for being pitied. But if you feel the same, it'll be okay. Some days are worse than others, but you'll be okay. I was okay for a while, but suddenly things come up and the hell burns again. But it'll pass. Hang in there, hang in there with me. We can do this.

Bullshit you shouldn't believe in #1

(I thought of making a little segment basically about things people say that are complete and utter bullshit. It may continue into more parts, but who knows. But this is what I want to rant about.)

I'm a great fan on Tumblr. I love the art I find on there, photography, general funny stuff. But lately, I've been seeing this bullshit.

"No one is going to love you if you don't love yourself"
"Don't expect people to love you if you don't love yourself"
"Love yourself first before you let others love you"
"You can't love others if you don't love yourself"

All of this is bullshit. YES it is good to love yourself, we should all have some kind of love and respect for ourselves and our bodies. But making people believe that because of the relationship we have with ourselves, we don't deserve love. What kind of thing is that to throw in people's faces?

I've had (and still have) a very destructive relationship to myself. It's the aftermath of years of being told everything I do isn't good enough, friends who wasn't the right friends, relationships that were very abusive and horrible. So yes, I hate myself. In every single way.

But what does that have to do with the love, let's say my mother, feels for me? I'm still her daughter. She knows I struggle, she knows I'm my own least favourite person in the world. But she still loves me. I'm not a horrible person because of that. You would NEVER doubt a mother's love for her children. Even if she, herself, has some issues with her own being.

So why make people believe they don't deserve love from others, because they don't love themselves? People struggle enough. I do agree that a person's lack of self esteem can effect a relationship/friendship badly, but it doesn't entirely mean they don't deserve love.

No person deserves more love than the other. So stop shaming people who can't love themselves.

                                             

Hold me, close.

“Calm down, deep breaths”

My body is shivering, but not because it’s cold

There’s a war in my head I can’t control

Sometimes they declare peace

But then they want to fight again.

“Can you hear me? Hush hush, it’ll be fine”

The screams are getting louder and louder

Everything is black, but no one turned out the lights

Every sound gets distant, but no one made me deaf

All senses get weaker, I know I’m losing myself.

“Come on, I know you’re there, you just need to breathe”

They don’t stop, they won’t stop

Screaming, yelling, a thousand voices trapped in my head

Telling me all sorts of bad things

I can’t feel my body, it’s like I’m not there

“Please, calm down”

I can hear my own moan, feel my tense muscles

Someone’s grabbing me, I can feel you

I grab onto you, help me, help me

I can’t force the words out of my mouth, help me

“I’m here, don’t worry, I’m here”

You let go, no, no, don’t let go

DON’T LET GO, DON’T LEAVE ME

There it is again, the warmth, I can feel it

Don’t let me go, please stay

“I’m here! I’m here! Okay, I’m here, I won’t leave!”

I wish they would stop screaming so I could hear you voice

Pull me out of the war zone, I beg you

Am I crying? I feel warmth streaming down my face

Are you crying too, are you as scared as me?

“It’ll be okay, I promise, it’ll be okay, I’m scared too”

I feel lips on my forehead, a hand on my cheek

My head is calming down, I hear your voice

Have you been here all the time?

I still can’t let go, I’m scared

“It’s okay, I won’t move, take your time”

You didn’t leave me, you didn’t let go

The voices were wrong

You stayed, you stayed with me

I love you, and you stayed

“Of course I stayed, I love you. Now rest, it’s been a harsh evening”

You tug my into your chest, I can hear your heart beat

You’re warm and comforting

I’m so tired, it’s like I’ve been fighting dragons and ninjas

Instead I’ve been fighting myself

“I hope you know I’ll never leave. You mean too much to me”

And then I drift into dream land, you tug me in tight

You’re my real life knight

And I’m your messed up princess

We’ll make it through together, in my twisted reality, as long as you hold me, close.