Being insecure and in a relationship

My Mad Fat Diary series 2 episode 2

My Mad Fat Diary is about 16 year old Rae who recently got out of the psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt. She battles with low self esteem and the scars years of self hatred and harming has left her. She returns home to start up a normal life again and starts hanging out with her old best friend Chloe and her gang. She becomes a part of the gang and feels like she has a place again. She falls in love with a guy in the gang, Finn. But when college starts, she starts to feel like she's not good enough for him. Which is what is inspiring this post.

A lot of people these days are insecure. They are self concious and have no faith in themselves what so ever. We're born into a world where you're not good enough if you're not a small size or you don't get straight As in school or you're not a social butterfly or talented in some way or the other. And this can effect your relationship.

I'm very insecure. SURPRISE!!! Joke aside. I'm far from a size small. I don't get straight As nor am I a social butterfly. But I have a guy who loves me. He's intelligent, he's funny and he is not the type of guy you expect loving a girl like me. But he does. Because you know what?

People love you for who you are. No one can tell anyone who to love. Just like Finn (the guy in the pictures above) is saying to his girlfriend Rae. You shouldn't feel like you don't deserve to be in love with someone or you don't deserve to be someone's friend because of their looks or intelligence or your differences in general.

Once Sean was here and we went to the next big town called Horsens because I had an appointment with my former therapist. We were walking towards my therapist's office - hand in hand as some couples do - when we passed some younger girls who laughed and said "Why on Earth is he with her? He could do better!", and I've gotten a good amount of comments thrown my way in my life time, but that hit me right in the guts. It hit me so hard. I thought to myself "They were right. Why is he with me? Why is he with this stupid mental sick walrus?"

I told Sean and he looked at me and said something like "It's their problem they can't get a boyfriend themselves. I love you. You know that, right?". I said I did, but it honestly hit me so hard.

Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about who you love and who loves you. You DESERVE to be happy and feel happy. It's THEM who has a problem. Most likely it's pathetic, desperate and lousy people who throws comments like that. It is NOT your fault.

And please talk to your partner or friend about it. Tell them that you feel out of place, like you don't deserve them, let them know, let it out of you. Because if you keep avoiding them because of your insecurities, they'll think they did something wrong and it can end very badly. Just talk to them, open up and they'll understand. If they really love you, they'll comfort you and reassure you that they still love you, because they love who you are and they make you as happy as they make you happy.

You're never not good enough for someone. And if the person you love makes you feel like you're not good enough, they don't deserve you in their life. But else it's none of anyone's business, besides you and them. Please remember that.

Me, myself and anxiety

I remember being 6 and very afraid of what people would think of me. I think we all have thought this to ourselves. "Will they like me?", "Am I good enough?", "I hope I don't say something stupid to offend them". But the fear was overwhelming. I quickly realised if I was a person people liked, I wouldn't have to worry. Even if this person wasn't the real me, it would at least hold back the huge fear. Because it was constantly there, it never really went away.

It only got worse over the years. I was scared to trust people, to talk to people. Even the people I had known for years became strange and scary. Which compared to me as a young child, a very bubbly and social butterfly, was even more scary because I could look back and see that I once was at a point where people was a good thing.

But now it's one of my biggest fears. Even family birthdays take so much of my energy. I rehearse in my head 7 days before what can happen, what I should say if I'm asked different things, what I will do if I'm not in the best mood, how much or little I should smile, how I can escape if it gets too much, how I can hide the fact that people talking to me and the loud noises scare the living crap out of me even though I've known these people since I was born.

And it's hard to express that fear. Because nothing describes it well enough. It's like drowning and seeing the surface but not being able to reach it. It's like falling into a deep hole and never seeing the end. It's like screaming but without anyone hearing it. It's like being trapped but you have the key to get out, you just don't know how to use it.

I cannot do a lot of things. I cannot go pick up a pint of milk on my own, I can't walk my dog in different areas, I cannot pick up the phone or sometimes even write an email. Some days if people talk to me on Facebook I get so overwhelmed I just log off. Because I didn't plan it, I didn't see it coming. It was too unexpected. And it's horrible, because it's often people I'm dying to ask how are. But I push myself away because I don't want to burden them.

It's always been a matter of bothering people. Being in the way. I'm constantly aware of everything around me because I don't want to be in the way. And it's so draining. It's so fucking tiring because in reality, no one could give a shit about where I stand, they can just ask me to move if it did bother them. But I'm trying to think ahead. Just like I'm counting my cash 10 times before even standing in the queue and then counting further 10 times in case I got it wrong before. Adding it all up in my very messy head and being wrong would ruin my entire day.

And I'm constantly tired. Some days it even physically hurts. Because being so aware of everything, NEEDING to be aware of everything, is very demanding. I need to know things a couple of days in advance, because else I get panic attacks because I don't feel prepared. I get stressed easily, I cry a lot and my eyes are always red and my under eyes more blue than the sky. My arms get achy from the nervous picking I tend to do because it's the only thing that calms me down, picking and scratching my arm when it's all too much.

Some days are okay. Some days I just wake up feeling tired. A little confused too, but mostly tired. I don't even bother getting dressed, I just lay in my bed and stare. Embrace the peace in my head. But then I remember the dishwasher needs emptying, there's clothes in the washing room that's not folded - and it's not even mine - and my desk looks dirty and the frames look a bit too tilted to the left and what if someone calls me, should I answer it or should I do as I always do, turn it off and hide it because it's always a number I don't know and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I'm always uncomfortable. It's what anxiety does.

- I wrote this because lately it's hasn't been easy to control things. I don't like losing control and I don't like not being the one making decisions about my life. And it makes me sleep very poorly which triggers anxiety even more. I'm not writing things to make you feel bad for me. I don't care for being pitied. But if you feel the same, it'll be okay. Some days are worse than others, but you'll be okay. I was okay for a while, but suddenly things come up and the hell burns again. But it'll pass. Hang in there, hang in there with me. We can do this.

My Queendom

My room is my safety spot. It's not exactly what I want it to be, but I am very fond of it. And I thought I would share it with you guys!

Oh, and this means I got my new SD card, finally! The joy of being able to snap some cute pictures of my dog ;-)

Fifty days

It's been a rough 10 days. Not just in my life but in our relationship. Especially when you're miles and miles apart, it's so much easier to misunderstand or not read something the way it's supposed to be read. And then the bomb explodes. Because I don't have the emotional peace to deal with misunderstandings. I don't have the energy to not be fully listened to or joked with. It's been rough as hell. But hey, that's what relationships go through. It's not new to us. And we work through it. Slowly, but surely.

On a more positive note, we were actually on cam last night. Something we never really do, last time was months ago and I think I was just crying. And when we normally do, I usually don't talk. I don't know why I do that, but I have some bad memories with being on cam and talking, and I'm always insecure about my English accent and shit. It took a while, but I began to just talk instead of typing. And the smile on Sean's face. He really missed hearing my voice, just as much as I missed his. 

It was nice, but it also made me miss him so much more. Which I didn't think was possible. 50 days to go. Please hurry up.