Owner and dog alike?

We've all heard about dogs looking like their owners, right? Well, let's see if it's true....

- We're both fuzzy

- We both like to kiss

- And to get a lot of attention, APPRECIATE OUR CUTENESS!!!

- Food is our favourite thing (especially chicken)

- it tastes best when it's not your own ;-)
- Sleep is always the answer
- And we will fight to get the entire duvet to ourselves

- We both get excited when seeing other dogs

- We also get excited about boxes

- I just prefer what comes in them, Lui likes to tear up the boxes

- Plushies are ALWAYS a good idea

- Baths however, are NOT a good idea

- Means getting wet and having to brush hair/fur

- We both nap with our mouths open

- And just sleep in weird positions

- Presents are very very very exciting
- Playing in the rain is a must
- I just don't appreciate muddy paws on the white sheets as much as Booboo boy does

I see absolutely no similarities......

Why having "adulter" friends is absolutely necessary

I'm an adult, I'm 21, I've been legally an adult for a few years now, but having people who are a lot older than you as friends is really necessary to grow into an even better adult.

I have two friends who are twice my ages. My (friend and) mentor Lene, who used to be an education counsellor at my school, and my friend Klaus who used to run the group project I was a part of from last year to June this year.

Lene has followed me since I was a teenage, and has been my rock through difficult times. She's helped me so much and helped me grow into a stronger and happier person. She's like an extra (younger) grandmother, her and her husband frequently invite me over for tea and have a nice long chat. She's such an open and understanding person. I love her to death, I wouldn't know what to do without her.

Klaus is a bit younger than my mum. During the group project we developed a tight bond, I see him as an older brother I can joke with and seek advice from. We tease each other (well mostly I tease him) and joke around, but I know I can call him if anything's up at any time of the day. If I'm stuck in the middle of the night, he'll not hesitate to come get me. And I take care of him too. He's a bit of a stressy person, billion things on his mind, becomes easily restless and forgets things. So I'll have to step in, remind him to breathe and maybe eat a little bit. Again, I love him to death and someone I wouldn't want to be without.

The reason people like this are so important in this phase of your life, is because they've been through it. Surely through a different time, but the problems are alike. Confusion with what to do with your life, am I progressing at the right speed, am I behind in life? Reassurance and help from people who's been through it and give their take on what to do and what not to do, but being open about it.

And they don't judge you in the same way a family member would. I can tell them everything like I would with a friend my own age, but you get a different view on it. It's so refreshing, because it's sometimes not very helpful talking to people with the same problems. I have a few friends who are also uncertain about what to study in uni, if that's even what they want.

So, if you don't have an adulter friend, I hope you find one. They're gold.

A lil trip to Aarhus

Yesterday I went to Aarhus to meet up with some cute friends of mine. I was hella nervous because I've never actually met Hasse in person before, and it's my first "longer" trip alone in a few years. But I did it!!!

We went to see the new library (UHM HELLO, ALL THE BOOKS??!?!? I had a few book orgasms) and then Marina took us to the cutest little café. I'm in love with that place! It's called Aarhus Brætspilscafé (brætspil is Danish for board game), grab a cup of tea, pick a game and have a fun time with friends!

It's nice to get away from typical Aarhus. I don't go there much, but maybe I should drag some friends up there to explore. Or even just go myself! Need to return to the library, take some better pictures, sit down and just soak it all in. Thank you for a lovely day Marina and Hasse ^__^ <3

And I know, I know, I've been slacking with posts. I'll be honest, school is stressing. Buuuut I'll probably explain (aka complain) in another post. ;-)

I was born with antennas...

..... on top of my head. No one noticed, because only I can see them. As a young child, I never realised they were there. I was a bit sensitive, sure, but it never stopped me from making friends and going on adventures.

I grew older, my antennas grew with me. I felt things I didn't understand, I didn't know how to handle. I could suddenly feel angry, sad or extremely energetic. This was uncommon for me, I was very aware of my own feelings, of myself in general. But I never asked questions. I accepted it and went on with my days.

I would start feeling tense sometimes. Around certain people, I felt like I had to be on the tippiest of my toes. I felt overly aware of what was going on around me, even though I never understood. I knew my father's anger, I knew my mother's sadness. I felt them as my own.

I was a pre-teen when I realised what was going on. My grandfather had just died and that's what I saw how strange my antennas were. I realised I took on everyone else's feelings. My mother's frustration turned into my frustration, my grandmother's grief became mine too. I could sense everything.

The older I got, the worse it got. Now it wasn't just family or friends, but that person next to me on the train, I could sense something was up with them. I wasn't dealing with my grandfather's death very well, so having to feel everyone else's feelings on top of mine was sometimes too much.

I used to cut myself and drink alcohol to make it go away. Not the proper way of dealing with feelings, but I was confused and desperate. It dulled my own pain and the not so my own pain.

But my antennas aren't all bad. They taught me important things too. My sense of situation is amazing, I know when to keep in the background and when to ask questions. I know how to handle people in whatever mood they are, if I need to be direct or build up the conversation slowly. I take extra care of people and understand them better.

Sometimes it's still overwhelming. But sometimes it's nice enough, I like this little "secret" of mine.

Quick hello and what's coming up?

Hello there, long time no see! Well it hasn't been that long, but ya know.

I've returned from Berlin, I actually did a little week ago, but I've been trying to get back into the swing of things with school. It hasn't been stress free, but I made it! So now I'm catching up with home work, assignments and my beloved blog.

So what's coming up?

Well, of course you all need to see my Berlin trip. I've been procrastinating organising the pictures I've taken, but I'll force myself to get it done this weekend.

I'm also doing a post about starting school after 3 years "out" of education, and how my anxiety is taking all this change. It's been a year of major changes and my head can't always deal with it well.

Along with the school topic, I have thought of a backpack essentials or something in that manner!

On top of that, I have some special "creative writing" posts I would like to publish for you all to read.
 

But when it'll all come is a good question. I've felt a bit uninspired, but hopefully I can get the spark back soon.

How are you all?


                                                       

Starting school, last kiss and cactus baby

So... I finished my first week at school. Only a hell of a lot left now!!!! It was a lot less scary than I thought it would be. People are so nice and I'm sure a lot of people felt like I did, which was nervous as fucking hell. Luckily I already know the school so it also makes it less scary. I'm also lucky enough to have TWO!!! friends in the school too. Not in my class but still.

Being on my "happy pills" makes a huge difference too. I don't get the need to hide away in the bathroom at breaks, I can easily talk to people, I'm not shy to speak in class. I can even take the bus and train on my own. It has made such a huge difference in my life. I really think I can go through these 3 years without much trouble. I WILL graduate.

I have a hard time WANTING to make friends, but I'm accepting that because it doesn't mean I'm being mean to people or pushing them away, I'm just trying to settle. My main goal is just to finish these 3 years in school so I can move the hell out of here. Is that bad? Nah.

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Sean went back last night. I don't feel well, at all. I cried a lot before he left, but after? Nothing. I feel the tears trying to come out, but it's like my head won't let me.

I fell asleep with a t-shirt he left here, and I even woke up hugging it tight. It's just not the same. I always feel like this after we've been together. I feel hopeless, lonely, needy and whiny. But honestly? I'm fucking allowed. I just had to kiss my boyfriend for the last time. I probably won't see him again until June next year.  Just the thought makes my heart go "FUCK".

But I'll be okay. I'll be fine. We'll be perfectly fine. It's just hard right now. 

                                    _______________________________________________

Since I'm feeling pretty shitty, I've decided to make buttons! And is it any surprise I want to do cacti? I think not. I don't have any rough sketches yet or anything, and I'm not really planning on selling anything but if people like it, I MIGHT sell some. I'm thinking cacti, feminist sayings, sexualities, save different animals, shit like that. I'm excited. I can't buy materials until next months but that's fine, I need to focus on school and ye.

 I think I've done enough rambling for now. So I'll go make some lunch for tomorrow and tidy my room to get my mind of things.

How's your day? Tell me about how great your summer was!

Yes, I am alive!

Sean arrived in the start of July and time has flown by. We've been a bit busy too, so it's a good excuse. I have a bunch of blog posts planned but nothing finished. This weekend should be a bit more chill so I might stop procrastinating and do some blogging work.

More importantly, how's YOUR summer going?

A few changes

Well, if you've been following my blog for a while, you'll HOPEFULLY notice the fact that I've changed the name of the blog. I've gone from moonlight-lovers to peculiarletters. It's a change I've been meaning to make, but the quest to get a new url hasn't been easy. But I finally settled and I'm happy with it!

I also changed the lil text under the picture of my face and changed the background. I'm also sorry for the silence in here. I have so many drafts that I just can't seem to finish. It's been a bit of a bleh time for me lately, but hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things soon!

                                              

SURPRISE! I'm 21 now

The 18th of March I turned 21. But let's rewind to the day before, the 17th. I was peacefully (well, more like stressing) baking my arse off for my birthday, a few eggs landed on my clothes, flour everywhere, a needy dog demanding love while my muffins nearly burnt in the oven. I knew I was going to get a present that day because Sean had been bugging me with it for months now! I had no idea what he had planned, it could be anything to be honest.

So while I was making the final batch of cake, my mum comes home and tells me to go look in the hallway for my present. I'm a bit confused, why didn't she just bring it in? Is it so big she can't just put it on the table while I finish off my cakes? So I slowly walk to the hallway and my mum is grinning and there he fucking is. Sean fucking came to celebrate me on my fucking birthday.

He spend all the time he was here BULLYING me with the face I made when I saw him. I couldn't believe he was there, I touched his face all "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?". I think the bit he found the funniest was me touching his face all "Are you sure you're here???"

I was so happy to see him. I had tears building up in my eyes, this is the first time in 6 years he's been able to be with me on my birthday. And my history with good birthdays isn't that good. Last year I had a massive panic attack because people kept talking about how my old dog Buster would probably soon die. The year before also haunted by anxiety and what not. But this year was different.

On my actual birthday I had a bunch of friends coming over for breakfast. I was so happy that they without a doubt came to celebrate with me. It was so fun to have my family and Sean meet them. I even cried a tiny bit when everyone left because I felt so loved and cared for, having such good friends near me.

Later on the day the rest of my family came and we had cakes and ate the most amazing dinner together! Again, I was so overwhelmed with happiness because I had almost everyone I love with me on my birthday.

Tak til jer alle hvis I læser det her. Jeg må nok indrømme at det er jeres skyld at jeg havde den BEdSTE fødseldag ♡


                                                 

Something personal // Road to recovery

This is a lengthy and personal post. It’s taken me a long time to finish this. I am by no means recovered from my anxiety, self harm or depression, but I’m on the right track. I haven’t relapsed with self harm for almost 2 years, but recovering fully is a long process. Also, everyone’s experiences with therapy, medicine and other helpful tools to recover or ease any kind of mental illness can be very different, so this is NOT a guide on how to recover.

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When I was 14 I had this weird experience. It was like my lungs collapsed, my heart was about to jump out of my throat, everything went blurry and it scared me a fuck ton. I didn’t think more of it, and I wasn’t planning on telling anyone about it. It got worse, I was scared of everyone, I stopped going out with friends, I was skipping school more and more, and I wouldn’t even go to family events. I would over think every single little thing, got physically sick if plans suddenly changed - if anything changed. I let it eat me up for far too long. It wasn’t until I was 17 I knew what I was experiencing. It was anxiety. And the weird experiences? Panic attacks. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh, yet another thing wrong with me but it was a relief to know I wasn’t the only one feeling like this.

I opened up to my mum, who then talked to my teacher and doctor because we needed to do something about this. I decided to go away to a ”free school” (Højskole) to work on my anxiety and fear of meeting people. It was hell and heaven all at once. I made friends and I was coming out of my shell. But then I started on a new school and I was back to isolating myself. For 2 years I was trapped in my room, I was trapped in myself. No one knew what to do with me, no one knew how to help me. In my short life time I’ve had around 7-9 different therapists and doctors and other clever people who promised to help me, but I always ended in the same dark hole.

But then something changed. I’ve been on this journey for a few years now, trying to get accepted into getting a gastric bypass. The doctors were - understandably - worried about my mental health because I had a history with self-harming. And for some reason, when he explained his worries about my self-harming issues I thought ”This is not a way to handle feelings”. This sentence has been so important on my journey to feeling better.

I talked to my support system, and we all agreed on trying to find a therapist for me. My mum took on the task to find one that would be good for me, because after all she knows how to handle me best. But the catch was that we would be unable to get financial support from these highly qualified people, so we had to seek elsewhere. My mum works in the psychiatry department at the hospital next town, and she recently went to a meeting with a therapist/nurse and they clicked. I had to go through a ”sorting” with a doctor, basically to find a diagnosis so the therapist and I could make a treatment plan.

I started therapy in August 2014. I talked to her once a week for 4 months, and it was hard. It was hard opening up to yet another person who claimed to be able to help me, it was hard realising my problems, it was hard realising my life had to change, because even though I felt like shit, it was safe and known. It was hard to accept that even I deserve to feel good about myself and my life. But I fucking deserve to feel great, I fucking deserve to love myself.

She taught me so many things, how to change the way I was thinking and feeling about myself, letting go of the overthinking and ignore the feeling of everyone staring at me and thinking bad things about me. I was taught different tools of how to calm down during panic attacks and how to handle situations where the anxiety would make me stay away instead of trying. After 2 months of therapy she decided to put me on some medication to help boost my mood, because I naturally don’t produce enough endorphin. I’ve been on Citalopram for almost 5 months now and I have never been so stable (mood wise and emotional) in my entire life.

Along with therapy I had to learn how to be around people again. In October 2014 I started in a little group project with 3 others who had a difficult time being social and being around people. I met an amazing girl who I got along with well, but it wasn’t a big enough challenge. So in December 2014 I was put in a larger group. We were 10 total plus the guy who runs the project. It was hard, I started a week later than the others because Sean was there for a visit, I was afraid everyone had already gotten along and I would be the odd one out. But to my surprise, I fit right in. I’ve learnt so much being with these people, not only that being with new people isn’t as scary, but also accepting other peoples’ and my own flaws and that they are a part of who we are and that there are people out there who wants the best for me - just like I wish all the best for them.

It is now 2015. I haven’t had a panic attack or extreme mood swings for 4 months. I’m confident, I’m hopeful, I’m happy and have the energy to think about school in August. I’ve found out what I want to do with my life, I’m not as scared of meeting people any more, I can go to town and shop on my fucking own, I’m not scared of being home alone, I can talk to people. I am moving forward. And it has been and is an incredibly scary process, but it’s exciting. I have a long way to go, but it’s okay. Because I deserve to be happy, I deserve a life without constant pain and fear. I am worthy. I am Malle, and I wouldn’t want  be anyone else.

Welcome 2015

2014 has ended and 2015 has just started. Last year wasn't the greatest. It started out horribly, got worse, stayed the same and then finally the last few months was going the right way. Buster passed away, I went down a mental black hole and I was confused about what I wanted with my life. But there's also been good things. I finally started proper therapy, which actually has helped out. I got my bestest little fuzzy floor mop, Lui. Sean started a new job and is so pleased with it! I've also worked a lot with my anxiety and I haven't had a panic attack in 2 fucking months!

I'm excited for 2015. I feel like for once it's going to be a good year. I hopefully start education again, I'm going to hopefully try working as a librarian for 2-3 months which will help me decide if it's the right thing for me, Sean and I are starting to plan moving in together (it'll first happen in 2-3 years, but I'm starting to save up for a flat with him!), and I'm for once excited to be alive!

How's your 2015 going to look?

Recent snaps

It's been a slow few days. Basically just waiting for the end of November to arrive so Sean and I can have some Christmas time together. My mum found Buster's old collar and it brought back some tears. I miss that beba. I'm sorry I don't post more, I don't feel inspired for anything other than Christmas things, which it's a bit too early ;-)

Hope you're having a good month!

1 month Lui update - because who doesn't love a good portion of Lui?

Officially the longest title I've ever used on my blog.

But I just wanted to talk about how the first month with Lui has been. He quickly settled in, spend a few days keep searching for his old family by the fence and reacted whenever children were crying or playing (he came from a home with two kids under 3, and I live in an area with loads of children), which was kind of sad. But within the first week he quickly understood this was his forever home.

He only had accidents the first two weeks really, he slowly learnt to let me know when he needed to go out. We had 1½ shit weeks where he kept needing to go out during the night, but he's sleeping through the nights now which I'm thankful for.

 I got him a harness, I've always been a supporter of harnesses so he doesn't get his neck damaged, and he HATED it the first day. I put it on him and we went on a walk, and he would flop over in protest. It wasn't because it was tight, I made sure it was a little more loose than it's supposed to so it wouldn't be too uncomfortable. But he just plain refused to walk for bit. He still hates getting it on, but he knows it means walks so everything's fine.

What else. He sometimes sleeps at night in my bed and sometimes doesn't. I meant to not allow him in bed at night but after 2 weeks of having 30 minutes fights with him at 4 in the morning, I was a bad mother and gave in. He still loves his crate, I've put a blanket over it because he loves sleeping in dark places, but sometimes he just wants to sleep on the spare duvet at the end of the bed. Will be fun when Sean comes to visit and they have to fight for space, hihi.

His left ear is still up and his right ear is still down. I hope so much it stays like this because it's bloody adorable. He's starting to lift his leg when he pees, and it's not always successful, which gives me a good laugh when we go for walks. He tends to try and lift it up but then loses balance, it's the greatest thing ever!¨

Last Saturday I received his registration papers and got them filled in and send off. Normally it takes 3 weeks to get the papers back again, but it makes it feel so much more real, he'll be registered under my name!! My puppy!!!!

I think that's all to be honest. Maybe some tmi with the pee leg but he's adorable and I'll want to look back at in when he's 10 years old and a grumpy old dog. Hope you find him just as lovely and adorable as I do :-D

Meet the love of my life

World, this is Lui. Lui, this is world. Lui is a 4 month old (born on the 27th of March 2014) Cairn Terrier/Fox Terrier mix, but he's mostly Cairn Terrier. And sorry if you thought this was about you, Sean ;-)

Since mum made it clear that she would be okay with a dog in the house again, I've searched high and low for someone who could be my best friend. I looked daily on the various websites where people put up things and animals for sales, I was a member of 7 different groups on Facebook with animals seeking homes, but I didn't find any dog I liked, and when I did they were WAAAY over my price range or just too far away. I mean if it's on Sjælland that would easily be 400 kr in petrol and then 400-something kr to cross the fucking bridge (Yes, in Denmark you pay to go to another side of Denmark)

But Saturday afternoon I was looking and looking and there he was. Lui. Well, his other name was Olli but we felt like since he was getting a new family, we would give him a new name. And I prefer Lui, Lui is a great name!

I contacted the person who put him up on the site asking if he was still for sale, and in the matter of 2 hours I had set up to meet Lui the next day. It was insanely fast. Yesterday we went an hour away to go look at him, and needless to say it was love at first sight. So we took him home.

It was a bit stressful, for both dog and I. He was a bit overwhelmed, which is natural, I mean he just left what had been his home for a bit over a month. There's been a few peeing inside accidents but he's getting better at it. He's a very active and happy little boy, which is good for me too. It keeps me going, forces me to keep going.

He loves chasing leaves, butterflies and birds. He also loves eating random worms on the ground, going for walks, sniff EVERYTHING, stick his head through the fence, having his belly and ears rubbed, playing with his ball, nibble fingers and toes, kiss chins and sleep in the most inconvenient places (like door way and in front of all the shoes or my wardrobe doors)

I'm so happy. I'm knackered but I'm so happy. I went outside on my own (without being obligated too, I have to go to a meeting once a week, but it's forced) for the first time since Buster passed away and I enjoyed it. I feel much safer when my mum or brother leaves. I have a sense of purpose, I need to be good to take good care of Lui, and I will do about anything to make sure he's safe and happy.

So yeah, I have a little rascal now. I'm a mummy!!!