Longing

All pictures by me

I've felt really lost lately, restless. Like I long for a place I don't know. I long for people I haven't met. I spend a lot of my time alone and I don't think it's healthy. I like being alone, I love it. I need it. But not to the point where loneliness knock on my door and I cannot keep him out. I think I just long for a life again.

44 days ago, Buster left this world. In 26 days, Sean will be here. And it's been exactly a month since Sean went back to England. I find comfort in numbers, patterns, similarities. Uncertainty scares the living crap out of me.

Today has actually been one of the better days I've had lately. I'm home alone, surprise?, but I'm not as uneasy as I normally would be. It's a nice change. I would apologise for the grey haze I've been stuck in, but honestly? Why apologise for my feelings? Maybe I'm a bit sorry. A tiny bit.

But summer is sneaking up on us. I hope my mood will get as bright as the sun.

I am not the labels that are put on me

CREDIT

Please note this is a very personal post, I'm opening up because I think it's important to be open about this kind of thing and I know that it's not only me who sometimes believe I'm the labels people put on me. And I am not sharing my diagnosis and treatment to seek pity. 

Tuesday 13-05-2014, 22:02

Tomorrow (Wednesday the 14th) is going to be a bit of a nerve wrecking day for me. I'm getting a possible diagnosis. For the past 2 weeks I've done intense sessions with a therapist at a psychiatric ward with the goal to get a possible diagnosis and treatment. She did hint heavily that she sees major depressive and anxious traits, with minor borderline and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I believe there was something else too but I honestly don't remember. It's scary. I see why she can see that in me but it's been really hard thinking of having put more labels on me. I know I am not the labels. I know they don't define the entirety called "Malle", my whole person. But for years I've been labelled as fat, disgusting, unintelligent, not good enough, a waste of life. And I believed them, I still believe them some days. But it's also comforting to have something that explains my thought process, my behaviour.

But I also think I shouldn't be so scared. I think it's an irrational fear. I am not fat. I have fat. A lot of it. I'm not unintelligent, I mean I did pretty well in school and I'm a very opinionated person and educated on certain things, I taught myself the basics of a language when I was younger because I liked the sound of it. I am good enough because hey, I'm not a total bad person. But these labels we get stuck on based on ignorant and most often short impression of us, can linger for way too long.

I just need to believe it'll be fine no matter what. I don't feel okay, and it's okay. It won't be perfect in a month or two, but I think I realised that a while ago. I am not the labels you put on me. I am not defined by them only. I am a universe, a complex and rather odd little universe. But we all are.

Wednesday 14-05-2014, 12:57

It was so much irrational fear. I came back maybe 40 minutes ago. It's a lot to chew on. Especially because I didn't sleep well last night, my entire body is in shut down mode. But I got a diagnosis and I got a treatment plan. I have a personality disorder which triggered other things. Anxiety - basically a bunch of types of anxieties to make it more lovely and complicated - and chronic depression. I'm going to probably get medication for the anxiety. I'm saying probably because I need to have my blood pressure measured and blood tests done so they can be sure it won't harm me to take whatever pills they'll give me. And I'll have individual sessions until they feel I'm ready for group sessions.

I'm scared. I'm actually terrified. But I know it's my anxiety that's freaked out because I don't like changes. And it's idiotic to be stupid of changes, because sometimes they're actually for the good. But it's how my brain works. But I will fight my fears. I deserve to feel better than I do right now.

It's a lot to take in. But I need to remember, I am not my diagnosis. I am not anxiety, chronic depression or a personality disorder. They are parts of me, but they do not define me. I am many other things too. Things I don't know about yet, haven't learnt about myself yet. And bits I want to improve, work on or even change completely. Things I'm proud of and are positive. I am many things. But I decide which of the things are true. Because it is about me. Malle.

Eurovision 2014

I'm a huge fan of Eurovision. Have been for as long as I remember. Since I first met Sean, it's been a tradition we kind of have a "Eurovision date", because it's the only time a year we can watch the same stuff on telly. And this year was no disappointment.

Denmark hosted it, after last year's victory with Only Teardrops. And of course when it's us hosting it gets a tiny bit weird. Dancing old ladies, scaring children with hard rock, loads of food presents. But it was actually a beautiful show. I loved how they made the flags, so creative.

But let's put that aside and talk about this year's winner. Conchita Wurst. A drag with a huge queen attached to it. I am in love with this woman. And I actually really like the song, which I don't often do for the winners. But I don't think people understand how important this win was.

It's a win for the LGBT community. It's most of Europe's countries showing we support this fabulous queen. It's a fuck you to Russia and other countries with disgusting views on people, totally normal people, who deserves just as many rights and wins as everyone else. Because we're all human. And her sincere happiness and surprise was worth it.

But it also disgusts me how people cannot be happy for someone. If it was anyone else, there would be no questions for the win. Sure some people would be annoyed because it's a thing us Europeans are very passionate about. But we still live in a world where being a different kind of normal is "disgusting", "silly" or "shouldn't be allowed in the public". And to you people, go fuck yourself. Conchita won, a deserved win, so haha on you.

I had a lot of favourites this year. I loved Austria, The Netherlands, Norway, Latvia, Switzerland, Finland and Iceland. Unfortunately Latvia didn't make it past semi finals, which is a shame. But I guess they didn't have a cake to bake! But somehow a song about not being someone's sweet cheesecake made it. I think it was the Robin Thicke look he had.

But all in all, I enjoyed this year's Eurovision. Sean and I celebrated Conchita's win with a plane ticket for setting off our summer together! The 14th of June at 10:10 he'll be on Danish land. And I am beyond excited and I really needed this little boost of happiness.

Who was your favourites this year?

Room details

My room is my safety. My room is my castle. My room is also my prison and a reminder of things I need to forgot. My room is mine, and mine alone. My space and universe.

Life isn't just black and white

Please appreciate my little collection of stuffed toys

I've been in a grey haze the past few days. I've cried a lot, been curled up in bed, not motivated an awful lot. I miss Buster, more than I'll ever be able to accept. It's hitting me slowly but surely. Especially when I spend a lot of evenings alone. My mum has been working 50 hours evening the past week and it's harsh being faced with reality all alone. No Sean, no Buster.

I've been reading a lot. I finished Allegiant (last book in the Divergent series, and yes, I cried) and I finished Requiem which is the last in the Delirium series. I've also started painting a bit. I don't paint a lot, not since I finished at Odder. It is very therapeutic.

I try and keep my head above the waters. Sean has been a dream since Buller was put down. He's always been supportive, but I've noticed he takes the extra step to let me know he's there and I'm not alone in this. I'm encouraged by him and the thought of us going to København in mid-June with my mum and grandma. It's the small things that counts.

Also, I'm going to start up therapy again. Anxiety is getting too much. I'm too low function because of it. But there's waiting lists of course, so I don't know much yet. But it'll be dealt with. I have mixed feelings. I think it's always like that with mental illnesses. When you've had it for years, losing it is a scary thought. I don't remember being without it. You get attached to something that's tearing you apart. But I want to be a person again.

I hope you're all doing wonderfully well. Spring is turning into summer very soon. Flowers and trees are coming back, the sky is a bit more blue. It's bringing a bit more happiness into my little heart.