My first tattoo

One of my goals this year was to get my first tattoo. I've always been fascinated and interested in this kind of art, and I've always known I wanted quite a few. I'm not a believer in every tattoo has a special meaning, a back story. It can just be the design someone fell in love with, doesn't need more than that. But mine has a bit of a history.

It was hard picking what I wanted. I didn't want something massive for my first one, in case I can't stand the pain, in case I regret the design, stuff like that. I originally thought of getting a moon phases design my brother helped me design, but again, too big for my first time!

So I ended up with a Moomin troll. I was a bit insecure in my pick at first. Was it too childish? Too simple? Too unusual?! But I fell in love with my decision.

Moomins represent all the things I stand for myself. Love, care, adventure, curiosity, friendship, family. It was also important to me that he's reading a book, because books are such a massive part of my life. He's also soft looking, no harsh lines. I'm a very soft person, I have a massive heart, so his softness and cuteness plays a massive part.

I chose to put him on my arm, not because I want to cover my scars, but because I want to decorate them. I have so many scars that it would be impossible to cover them all, and I'm not ashamed or sad about them any more. They make me, me. And my little buddy makes me even happier about myself!

I'm already planning my next tattoos. Can't be soon enough!!!!

To take, or not to take? My daily battle with pills

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I take a few different pills a day. I take vitamins, birth control, allergy pills (only when I have mosquito bites though) and then my enemy. My anti depressant. Or mood pill as I like to call it. It has done absolute wonders for me, but every day is a struggle. Every day is a battle between my logical mind and my "But-I-don't-want-to-be-different" mind. Which is somewhat stupid.

Why is it stupid? Well, because they have done wonders for me. I have never in my life had such a stable mood until I started, ever. My panic attacks quickly reduced from multiple a day to maybe 2 in the past 6 months. They have done nothing but help me. Yet still I go through times where I feel like I'm a horrible person for taking them.

I feel dependant. I feel strapped down. I feel like a bad person for needing these pills to feel stable. And I know deep down that it is okay, that they're helping me, that it's not permanent. But I keep blaming myself and putting myself down for having reached a point where I cannot go a day without them. I've tried, and it never ended up pretty.

Without them I'm an anxious mess. My mood goes down, my mind dives into a deep black hole. So there's only more reasons to take them. But the little demon in my head keeps trying to make me not take them. And sometimes, my demon wins.

But those victories aren't victories at all. Because I know I won't make any progress. I'm taking a step back, and it needs to stop.

Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing medication to get through the days. There is nothing wrong with needing medication to function. Absolutely nothing. Bodies are different, minds are different. I need to tell myself this more often. It is absolutely fucking fine. It helps me. It doesn't want to destroy me. It helps me. I deserve this help, I deserve to feel good.