Losing Buller is very hard. He was my best friend, he was my safety. He would cuddle up to me when I was really anxious and lick away the tears. He would be silly and goofy and make me laugh on days I thought I couldn't even smile. He was there when I was alone home and very scared. I don't do well alone, especially not in the evening. And my mum works evening shifts and my brother goes out and then it's just me.
On top of that, some personal stuff has gone a step back. I'm not sure what's going to happen now, maybe a lot of therapy to learn to control my anxiety, who the fuck even knows. And it scares the living shit out of me. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen.
Sean came on the 8th, though. After 8 shitty months apart. And he was my happiness for a bit. Of course I still got very upset sometimes and I had a panic attack or two. But he was there to comfort me. To motivate me. We went for walks to get some air and just get out, things I can't do myself or used to do with my dog. He made me laugh and remind me that I deserve to feel happy too.
And it made me think, a lot of people don't think they deserve to feel happy. To be happy. But you do. You deserve to do something that makes you happy. If it's seeing a person you're close to, watching a film that's special to you, making some kick ass mac and cheese (or any kind of delicious food you love) or simply just turn off all technology, light some candles and read a good book alone in your bed. You deserve that time to relax and feel a bit of happiness.
Sean unfortunately had to go back to England yesterday. As little as I wanted it to happen. I miss him terribly. I'm a bit scared, but it comforts me that this time we'll "only" be 1½ months apart before a long summer.
Happy Easter by the way! Hope you can spend it with someone you love. I'm going to my grandma's house tonight for delicious food, I'm a teeny bit excited for that.
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