Being a distant lover.

My mother and I just dropped off Seanie at the airport. This time has been the worst to say goodbye. The past 8 months has been a living hell for us. I was getting really ill, my school didn't work out and I was in general not with it. Seanie started uni and suddenly felt the loneliness kick in since he - as I am - is a really shy person. We nearly broke up in late January because everything got too much. But we made it, we survived it, and he finally came to see me again after 8 - nearly 9 - months. And now he's gone. And I'm in pieces.

I appreciate every single second I have with him. I love that every time I blink he'll be there again when I open my eyes. Not just gone, like in my dreams. But these past 8 months has broken me. I'm not myself anymore. I'm much more reserved and quiet. I tend to avoid any kind of social interaction, because it makes my head hurt and my anxiety start kicking in. I don't enjoy reading anymore or even listening to music. I don't do as many creative things as I used to. All the things I love, I push aside because breathing is all I can do without having to think about it too much.

But when Seanie's here.. I'm Malle again. I laugh, I feel, I'm there. I sing again, I listen to music, I want to be creative, I want to read and to go for walks in the woods and feel the wind on my face. I'm craving life, I'm craving living. And I know you should never rely on a human being with yourself and your feelings. But when you're as broken as me, those things become your everything.

And he understands it. He knows I need him. He, my mother, my brother and dog are the only reasons I'm still alive. Else I would have killed myself long ago. And it's so bad and not healthy. But I'm addicted to Seanie, because I want to be alive.

So 10 days have passed. They haven't been perfect. But they have been imperfectly perfect. And that's good enough for me. But I crave more. I want more.

This goodbye was horrible. I started to feel the pain yesterday afternoon. We've cried so much. Seanie isn't one to cry easily, whereas you can say I'm the first to cry over something, but when I look at him with tears in my eyes, I can see how much it effects him too. And it's heart breaking. He would whisper with a broken voice "I don't want to leave". And I was begging him to stay because I'm scared of being alone again.

But reality hits. He has to go back to uni, and I have to stay here. No matter how much it hurts and makes me want to tear out my heart directly from my chest.

So I will leave this post at this fairly sad note. Letting you know, that loving someone from a distance is the worst pain you can put on yourself. But in your heart you will know it is worth it, when every day apart makes the lust for seeing each other again bigger.

And Seanie, if you read this. Always remember that I carry you with me at all times. You're always in my heart. Jeg elsker dig, mere end noget andet. Thank you for being such a big part of my life. I'm the luckiest woman alive to have met a man like you. Never doubt that you are anything below the best. Jeg elsker dig og savner dig.